Thursday, January 29, 2009
42 c
I know some people are really disappointed in me. I feel really ashamed. But at the same time, I've seen how many changes I've made in just the past two days and I'm really proud of myself. This is going to help me with self-improvement and to grow out of some old hobbies that had become more like habits. Crazy, crazy, thought. But maybe, I needed this?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
What A Week
"You're the only one
Who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space"
from Mariah Carey's Against All Odds
Tonight this song came on Pandora and I hadn't heard it in a really long time. I remember listening to this song years ago and singing it without even thinking about what the lyrics could mean. The singer can't face that their ex is never going to come back to them. That's not at all what has made me listen to this song on repeat all night...just the four lines I quoted up there. I couldn't think of how to put into words how I've been feeling about this situation I've been dealing with since the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. These words tell why I haven't slept at all. The first few nights I was still shocked that I was able to sleep some during the night. I have been awake since I woke up eleven in the morning on Sunday. It's now 3:46am on Wednesday.
"You're the only one who really knew me at all." He has been steadily in my life since the ninth grade. I got close to only a few girls in high school. What used to be my big group of best friends in middle school had been minimized to only two or three friends at a time. I couldn't manage a social life and a boyfriend and I didn't want to because I was experiencing "love" for the first time and wanted nothing more than to engage it and make it stronger. He was the person who I thought knew me the best because he had been my friend and my boyfriend. He had seen every side of me. Whenever he did anything that made me mad at him, he reminded me we needed it each other because we knew each other better than we knew ourselves. I believed it.
"So take a look at me now 'cause there's just an empty space." He told me on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving that he never loved me or truly cared about me but kept me around because I was the most vulnerable. Those words are what put me into shock for the first few days. Now, all I feel is empty. For all of those years I thought he knew me better than I knew myself and maybe he did, but I had no idea who he was. Someone who I thought was a big part of me suddenly became a complete stranger and made me feel violated and hollow. It made me realize that he never let me find out who I AM not who WE are.
My computer's battery has two minutes left on it or I would probably write more. Oh well, maybe I can sleep now.
It's time to find me.
Who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space"
from Mariah Carey's Against All Odds
Tonight this song came on Pandora and I hadn't heard it in a really long time. I remember listening to this song years ago and singing it without even thinking about what the lyrics could mean. The singer can't face that their ex is never going to come back to them. That's not at all what has made me listen to this song on repeat all night...just the four lines I quoted up there. I couldn't think of how to put into words how I've been feeling about this situation I've been dealing with since the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. These words tell why I haven't slept at all. The first few nights I was still shocked that I was able to sleep some during the night. I have been awake since I woke up eleven in the morning on Sunday. It's now 3:46am on Wednesday.
"You're the only one who really knew me at all." He has been steadily in my life since the ninth grade. I got close to only a few girls in high school. What used to be my big group of best friends in middle school had been minimized to only two or three friends at a time. I couldn't manage a social life and a boyfriend and I didn't want to because I was experiencing "love" for the first time and wanted nothing more than to engage it and make it stronger. He was the person who I thought knew me the best because he had been my friend and my boyfriend. He had seen every side of me. Whenever he did anything that made me mad at him, he reminded me we needed it each other because we knew each other better than we knew ourselves. I believed it.
"So take a look at me now 'cause there's just an empty space." He told me on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving that he never loved me or truly cared about me but kept me around because I was the most vulnerable. Those words are what put me into shock for the first few days. Now, all I feel is empty. For all of those years I thought he knew me better than I knew myself and maybe he did, but I had no idea who he was. Someone who I thought was a big part of me suddenly became a complete stranger and made me feel violated and hollow. It made me realize that he never let me find out who I AM not who WE are.
My computer's battery has two minutes left on it or I would probably write more. Oh well, maybe I can sleep now.
It's time to find me.
Monday, December 1, 2008
the end of an all-nighter
i'm pretty tired right now seeing as its 6am and i haven't slept yet. kristina and i stayed up doing homework all night and there is no point in sleeping now. i couldn't even if i tried.
i'm not up for explaining everything that happened over the past week because it is too complicated with too much of a history behind it. i don't think i'll ever be able to write down everything. its just too much and i can't even believe i can remember so many things about our relationship because so much happened over six years. maybe i'll go more into detail later, but right now i don't want to think of any of that. thats how i spent my entire thanksgiving break.
recently i've been trying to get in touch with people i've lost touch with. earlier tonight a friend of mine, who i haven't seen in a year or so, drove from jersey to come see me. it was really good to see him and to see a new face around here. i also e-mailed a few people who i've been meaning to check on. i hate losing contact with people and letting relationships fade away. on saturday night we had some people over at our apartment and my friends from home- gill, meghan, kailyn and becca- came. i hadnt seen most of them in a really long time and it was really good to see them.
i have this week of classes and then finals start next week. i'm anxious to find out my grades for the semester and hoping that they are good enough to keep me here. i believe they will be. i can honestly say that this semester i worked my ass off. i'm just hoping that my grades are good enough to bring my gpa up since im on academic probation. if they aren't, how mad can i be at myself? i tried my best during a very hard 4 months for my family and i just have to hope for the best from here on out. i'm trying to be optimistic now by believing that i'll still be here in the spring and not even considering any other options. if by chance i find out i can't come back, i'll deal with it then.
thankfully i don't have to work until wednesday so i can catch up on my sleep. its really common for me to spend my "free time" sleeping or taking a nap because its been hard to get papers/work done early when i work weeknights. work is going well, though. i'm probably going to live at my apartment up here for most of winter break because i can pick up a lot of hours and save up for next semester. i really would like to/need to do that.
alright, not much else to update on right now. i've been looking at a computer screen all night and thats getting old..
i'm not up for explaining everything that happened over the past week because it is too complicated with too much of a history behind it. i don't think i'll ever be able to write down everything. its just too much and i can't even believe i can remember so many things about our relationship because so much happened over six years. maybe i'll go more into detail later, but right now i don't want to think of any of that. thats how i spent my entire thanksgiving break.
recently i've been trying to get in touch with people i've lost touch with. earlier tonight a friend of mine, who i haven't seen in a year or so, drove from jersey to come see me. it was really good to see him and to see a new face around here. i also e-mailed a few people who i've been meaning to check on. i hate losing contact with people and letting relationships fade away. on saturday night we had some people over at our apartment and my friends from home- gill, meghan, kailyn and becca- came. i hadnt seen most of them in a really long time and it was really good to see them.
i have this week of classes and then finals start next week. i'm anxious to find out my grades for the semester and hoping that they are good enough to keep me here. i believe they will be. i can honestly say that this semester i worked my ass off. i'm just hoping that my grades are good enough to bring my gpa up since im on academic probation. if they aren't, how mad can i be at myself? i tried my best during a very hard 4 months for my family and i just have to hope for the best from here on out. i'm trying to be optimistic now by believing that i'll still be here in the spring and not even considering any other options. if by chance i find out i can't come back, i'll deal with it then.
thankfully i don't have to work until wednesday so i can catch up on my sleep. its really common for me to spend my "free time" sleeping or taking a nap because its been hard to get papers/work done early when i work weeknights. work is going well, though. i'm probably going to live at my apartment up here for most of winter break because i can pick up a lot of hours and save up for next semester. i really would like to/need to do that.
alright, not much else to update on right now. i've been looking at a computer screen all night and thats getting old..
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
New Post Finally
It's been a long time since I've made a post. I've been busy but also not really in the mood to write. A lot has been going on and I haven't been up to writing about it but I'm sort of in the mood to write tonight.
Earlier tonight, well, technically last night since its 5am, I found out something that's really disturbing me. I'm trying my hardest not to think about it because I have a lot to do and don't need anything bringing me down but every song that's been coming on pandora (my favorite web-site: pandora.com, awesome radio) has reminded me of it. And I feel like I need to just talk about it. I never do...I hate talking about what's on my mind when I have stuff to do but I can't get it done until it is off of my mind. I just don't know how someone who used to love you can be so thoughtless and hurtful now even if it is over. I'm coming to the final end of a very drawn out dysfunctional relationship. Its been drawn out for so long over many different lies which I think is why it has worn down to nothing. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. It's been hard for a while.
I was beginning my paper tonight and looked at the date on my computer. It was after midnight so it said November 18th. My heart dropped as I realized tomorrow is November 19th. That day will forever be etched into my mind since its the day that we lost Liam. When it had been one year, I was left alone after being ditched by the person I was just talking about in the last paragraph. When it had been two years, I was lucky enough to have good friends in my dorm and they spent the day with me and even decorated my dorm room with uplifting quotes and pictures. This year, I have no clue what I am going to do. I am thankful that I didn't realize until now that it was coming up because now I don't have anxiety building up to it. I would like to celebrate Liam's life tomorrow night somehow. I think of him so much and even included him in a speech on what has affected me in becoming a social worker last week. Maybe I'll make a post on that sometime because I could've done my whole speech on how Liam has influenced the major I choose and my life. I miss him so much. My memory is horrible and I'm realizing I'm already losing some memories I used to have of him. They are just more fuzzy and I hate it. I need to start writing all of my memories with him down so I don't forget anything else.
I have been trying to write this paper since midnight. It's been five hours. I have been on the computer almost the entire time and I can't get anything done. My paper is not hard to write because its for my social work class and those papers are usually easy for me. And its not that I'm sad because I of who I was talking about earlier or because tomorrow is Nov. 19th, I'm really not feeling that down or upset. I'm just thinking about how fast time goes and how quickly life changes. Looking back on my junior year of high school which was really only two and half years ago, my life has changed dramatically. Some changes have been for the better and some for the worst, but this is just where my life has brought me. Kristina and I were talking about how what we've been though in just the past few years and how much life has changed. I think I'm realizing that I'm in the real world now, too. This song came on my station on pandora and I've been listening to it on repeat a lot tonight. It's by my favorite female R&B artist, Mariah Carey. Music has always been a part of me and I attribute a lot of memories to songs that I listened then.
Here is a clip of lyrics to that Mariah Carey song:
"When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you’re distraught
And in pain without anyone
When we keep crying out
To be safe
But nobody comes
And you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
you can get there alone
it's okay
once you say:
'I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain'
And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
And when the wind blows
And shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face"
Her voice is so strong and I feel like the lyrics empower me. Right now its 5:30 am and I have class from 11am-2 tomorrow then work after that. It doesn't look like I'll be sleeping because I have to write this paper now but I don't really mind.
Hopefully I'll be able to update again soon because a lot of good things are happening in my life too! My mom is doing so well and I am so happy! I saw her last night, I brought Erin, Kristina and Melissa down for dinner with her. She was lonely because Kristen was visiting friends this week so i was glad we got to visit her! She made chicken parm and it was great! She also looks so awesome, and I'm so happy. She is also very happy in the new house and I love it there too. I couldn't be happier with the new place! Also, I've been working at the sala.dworks in town and its been working out really well. My schedule never conflicts with class and they are pretty flexible with taking off. I also like the people I work with which is nice. Okay, I need to stop updating and write this paper before I'm not in the mood to write anymore. :)
Earlier tonight, well, technically last night since its 5am, I found out something that's really disturbing me. I'm trying my hardest not to think about it because I have a lot to do and don't need anything bringing me down but every song that's been coming on pandora (my favorite web-site: pandora.com, awesome radio) has reminded me of it. And I feel like I need to just talk about it. I never do...I hate talking about what's on my mind when I have stuff to do but I can't get it done until it is off of my mind. I just don't know how someone who used to love you can be so thoughtless and hurtful now even if it is over. I'm coming to the final end of a very drawn out dysfunctional relationship. Its been drawn out for so long over many different lies which I think is why it has worn down to nothing. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. It's been hard for a while.
I was beginning my paper tonight and looked at the date on my computer. It was after midnight so it said November 18th. My heart dropped as I realized tomorrow is November 19th. That day will forever be etched into my mind since its the day that we lost Liam. When it had been one year, I was left alone after being ditched by the person I was just talking about in the last paragraph. When it had been two years, I was lucky enough to have good friends in my dorm and they spent the day with me and even decorated my dorm room with uplifting quotes and pictures. This year, I have no clue what I am going to do. I am thankful that I didn't realize until now that it was coming up because now I don't have anxiety building up to it. I would like to celebrate Liam's life tomorrow night somehow. I think of him so much and even included him in a speech on what has affected me in becoming a social worker last week. Maybe I'll make a post on that sometime because I could've done my whole speech on how Liam has influenced the major I choose and my life. I miss him so much. My memory is horrible and I'm realizing I'm already losing some memories I used to have of him. They are just more fuzzy and I hate it. I need to start writing all of my memories with him down so I don't forget anything else.
I have been trying to write this paper since midnight. It's been five hours. I have been on the computer almost the entire time and I can't get anything done. My paper is not hard to write because its for my social work class and those papers are usually easy for me. And its not that I'm sad because I of who I was talking about earlier or because tomorrow is Nov. 19th, I'm really not feeling that down or upset. I'm just thinking about how fast time goes and how quickly life changes. Looking back on my junior year of high school which was really only two and half years ago, my life has changed dramatically. Some changes have been for the better and some for the worst, but this is just where my life has brought me. Kristina and I were talking about how what we've been though in just the past few years and how much life has changed. I think I'm realizing that I'm in the real world now, too. This song came on my station on pandora and I've been listening to it on repeat a lot tonight. It's by my favorite female R&B artist, Mariah Carey. Music has always been a part of me and I attribute a lot of memories to songs that I listened then.
Here is a clip of lyrics to that Mariah Carey song:
"When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you’re distraught
And in pain without anyone
When we keep crying out
To be safe
But nobody comes
And you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
you can get there alone
it's okay
once you say:
'I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain'
And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
And when the wind blows
And shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face"
Her voice is so strong and I feel like the lyrics empower me. Right now its 5:30 am and I have class from 11am-2 tomorrow then work after that. It doesn't look like I'll be sleeping because I have to write this paper now but I don't really mind.
Hopefully I'll be able to update again soon because a lot of good things are happening in my life too! My mom is doing so well and I am so happy! I saw her last night, I brought Erin, Kristina and Melissa down for dinner with her. She was lonely because Kristen was visiting friends this week so i was glad we got to visit her! She made chicken parm and it was great! She also looks so awesome, and I'm so happy. She is also very happy in the new house and I love it there too. I couldn't be happier with the new place! Also, I've been working at the sala.dworks in town and its been working out really well. My schedule never conflicts with class and they are pretty flexible with taking off. I also like the people I work with which is nice. Okay, I need to stop updating and write this paper before I'm not in the mood to write anymore. :)
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Really Scary
www.keatingeconomics.com
Check out the video on the website above. If you haven't heard of the keating five yet, you will by tomorrow because the Obama campaign just released it. Pass it on to as many people as you can. It's important for all voters to see what kind of international economic crisis McCain would be putting our world in. He admits that he is "not good" with economics but really, I think he just tries to avoid the economy all together because he knows if he gets someone else to deal with it/speak about it, maybe his corrupt past won't come up. (Too late.) And you can get away with a hell of a lot more if you have someone else speaking for you who doesn't have ties to one of the biggest scandals in our country's history.
I'm really glad the Obama campaign is releasing this now. Everyone thinks McCain is the good guy and Palin is just his evil running mate but now the truths are coming out about McCain and I'm realizing that we CANNOT have him running our country. Its not only Sarah Palin that worries me now, its McCain himself. I'm praying that America will see how much McCain will cause our economy to collapse (more than it already is) because I might have to leave the country if he becomes president.
Check out the video on the website above. If you haven't heard of the keating five yet, you will by tomorrow because the Obama campaign just released it. Pass it on to as many people as you can. It's important for all voters to see what kind of international economic crisis McCain would be putting our world in. He admits that he is "not good" with economics but really, I think he just tries to avoid the economy all together because he knows if he gets someone else to deal with it/speak about it, maybe his corrupt past won't come up. (Too late.) And you can get away with a hell of a lot more if you have someone else speaking for you who doesn't have ties to one of the biggest scandals in our country's history.
I'm really glad the Obama campaign is releasing this now. Everyone thinks McCain is the good guy and Palin is just his evil running mate but now the truths are coming out about McCain and I'm realizing that we CANNOT have him running our country. Its not only Sarah Palin that worries me now, its McCain himself. I'm praying that America will see how much McCain will cause our economy to collapse (more than it already is) because I might have to leave the country if he becomes president.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Ramblings
Every day I'm reminded that America is not nice. You stop a little faster to let someone turn in front of you because there's a huge line of cars behind you, and two cars honk unnecessarily and speed off on the side of your car. And when you hold the door for four people who are all in a hurry, and not one says thank you, its a little discouraging to be so nice. When all you want to do is just go on a ride in the valley and relax, but you're being followed by a beat-up truck on your ass with some redneck pissed off you're doing the speed limit, its hard to relax.
I was just rambling. Its been a long day. I got screwed over a lot and it's hard not to feel like the world's out to get me. But, still, I did three hours of work tonight and I feel good about it. I really want/need to do well this semester.
I was just rambling. Its been a long day. I got screwed over a lot and it's hard not to feel like the world's out to get me. But, still, I did three hours of work tonight and I feel good about it. I really want/need to do well this semester.
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