New Post Finally

It's been a long time since I've made a post. I've been busy but also not really in the mood to write. A lot has been going on and I haven't been up to writing about it but I'm sort of in the mood to write tonight.

Earlier tonight, well, technically last night since its 5am, I found out something that's really disturbing me. I'm trying my hardest not to think about it because I have a lot to do and don't need anything bringing me down but every song that's been coming on pandora (my favorite web-site: pandora.com, awesome radio) has reminded me of it. And I feel like I need to just talk about it. I never do...I hate talking about what's on my mind when I have stuff to do but I can't get it done until it is off of my mind. I just don't know how someone who used to love you can be so thoughtless and hurtful now even if it is over. I'm coming to the final end of a very drawn out dysfunctional relationship. Its been drawn out for so long over many different lies which I think is why it has worn down to nothing. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. It's been hard for a while.

I was beginning my paper tonight and looked at the date on my computer. It was after midnight so it said November 18th. My heart dropped as I realized tomorrow is November 19th. That day will forever be etched into my mind since its the day that we lost Liam. When it had been one year, I was left alone after being ditched by the person I was just talking about in the last paragraph. When it had been two years, I was lucky enough to have good friends in my dorm and they spent the day with me and even decorated my dorm room with uplifting quotes and pictures. This year, I have no clue what I am going to do. I am thankful that I didn't realize until now that it was coming up because now I don't have anxiety building up to it. I would like to celebrate Liam's life tomorrow night somehow. I think of him so much and even included him in a speech on what has affected me in becoming a social worker last week. Maybe I'll make a post on that sometime because I could've done my whole speech on how Liam has influenced the major I choose and my life. I miss him so much. My memory is horrible and I'm realizing I'm already losing some memories I used to have of him. They are just more fuzzy and I hate it. I need to start writing all of my memories with him down so I don't forget anything else.

I have been trying to write this paper since midnight. It's been five hours. I have been on the computer almost the entire time and I can't get anything done. My paper is not hard to write because its for my social work class and those papers are usually easy for me. And its not that I'm sad because I of who I was talking about earlier or because tomorrow is Nov. 19th, I'm really not feeling that down or upset. I'm just thinking about how fast time goes and how quickly life changes. Looking back on my junior year of high school which was really only two and half years ago, my life has changed dramatically. Some changes have been for the better and some for the worst, but this is just where my life has brought me. Kristina and I were talking about how what we've been though in just the past few years and how much life has changed. I think I'm realizing that I'm in the real world now, too. This song came on my station on pandora and I've been listening to it on repeat a lot tonight. It's by my favorite female R&B artist, Mariah Carey. Music has always been a part of me and I attribute a lot of memories to songs that I listened then.

Here is a clip of lyrics to that Mariah Carey song:

"When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you’re distraught
And in pain without anyone
When we keep crying out
To be safe
But nobody comes
And you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
you can get there alone
it's okay
once you say:

'I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain'

And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail

And when the wind blows
And shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face"


Her voice is so strong and I feel like the lyrics empower me. Right now its 5:30 am and I have class from 11am-2 tomorrow then work after that. It doesn't look like I'll be sleeping because I have to write this paper now but I don't really mind.

Hopefully I'll be able to update again soon because a lot of good things are happening in my life too! My mom is doing so well and I am so happy! I saw her last night, I brought Erin, Kristina and Melissa down for dinner with her. She was lonely because Kristen was visiting friends this week so i was glad we got to visit her! She made chicken parm and it was great! She also looks so awesome, and I'm so happy. She is also very happy in the new house and I love it there too. I couldn't be happier with the new place! Also, I've been working at the sala.dworks in town and its been working out really well. My schedule never conflicts with class and they are pretty flexible with taking off. I also like the people I work with which is nice. Okay, I need to stop updating and write this paper before I'm not in the mood to write anymore. :)