What A Week

"You're the only one
Who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space"
from Mariah Carey's Against All Odds

Tonight this song came on Pandora and I hadn't heard it in a really long time. I remember listening to this song years ago and singing it without even thinking about what the lyrics could mean. The singer can't face that their ex is never going to come back to them. That's not at all what has made me listen to this song on repeat all night...just the four lines I quoted up there. I couldn't think of how to put into words how I've been feeling about this situation I've been dealing with since the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. These words tell why I haven't slept at all. The first few nights I was still shocked that I was able to sleep some during the night. I have been awake since I woke up eleven in the morning on Sunday. It's now 3:46am on Wednesday.

"You're the only one who really knew me at all." He has been steadily in my life since the ninth grade. I got close to only a few girls in high school. What used to be my big group of best friends in middle school had been minimized to only two or three friends at a time. I couldn't manage a social life and a boyfriend and I didn't want to because I was experiencing "love" for the first time and wanted nothing more than to engage it and make it stronger. He was the person who I thought knew me the best because he had been my friend and my boyfriend. He had seen every side of me. Whenever he did anything that made me mad at him, he reminded me we needed it each other because we knew each other better than we knew ourselves. I believed it.

"So take a look at me now 'cause there's just an empty space." He told me on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving that he never loved me or truly cared about me but kept me around because I was the most vulnerable. Those words are what put me into shock for the first few days. Now, all I feel is empty. For all of those years I thought he knew me better than I knew myself and maybe he did, but I had no idea who he was. Someone who I thought was a big part of me suddenly became a complete stranger and made me feel violated and hollow. It made me realize that he never let me find out who I AM not who WE are.

My computer's battery has two minutes left on it or I would probably write more. Oh well, maybe I can sleep now.

It's time to find me.

the end of an all-nighter

i'm pretty tired right now seeing as its 6am and i haven't slept yet. kristina and i stayed up doing homework all night and there is no point in sleeping now. i couldn't even if i tried.

i'm not up for explaining everything that happened over the past week because it is too complicated with too much of a history behind it. i don't think i'll ever be able to write down everything. its just too much and i can't even believe i can remember so many things about our relationship because so much happened over six years. maybe i'll go more into detail later, but right now i don't want to think of any of that. thats how i spent my entire thanksgiving break.

recently i've been trying to get in touch with people i've lost touch with. earlier tonight a friend of mine, who i haven't seen in a year or so, drove from jersey to come see me. it was really good to see him and to see a new face around here. i also e-mailed a few people who i've been meaning to check on. i hate losing contact with people and letting relationships fade away. on saturday night we had some people over at our apartment and my friends from home- gill, meghan, kailyn and becca- came. i hadnt seen most of them in a really long time and it was really good to see them.

i have this week of classes and then finals start next week. i'm anxious to find out my grades for the semester and hoping that they are good enough to keep me here. i believe they will be. i can honestly say that this semester i worked my ass off. i'm just hoping that my grades are good enough to bring my gpa up since im on academic probation. if they aren't, how mad can i be at myself? i tried my best during a very hard 4 months for my family and i just have to hope for the best from here on out. i'm trying to be optimistic now by believing that i'll still be here in the spring and not even considering any other options. if by chance i find out i can't come back, i'll deal with it then.

thankfully i don't have to work until wednesday so i can catch up on my sleep. its really common for me to spend my "free time" sleeping or taking a nap because its been hard to get papers/work done early when i work weeknights. work is going well, though. i'm probably going to live at my apartment up here for most of winter break because i can pick up a lot of hours and save up for next semester. i really would like to/need to do that.

alright, not much else to update on right now. i've been looking at a computer screen all night and thats getting old..

New Post Finally

It's been a long time since I've made a post. I've been busy but also not really in the mood to write. A lot has been going on and I haven't been up to writing about it but I'm sort of in the mood to write tonight.

Earlier tonight, well, technically last night since its 5am, I found out something that's really disturbing me. I'm trying my hardest not to think about it because I have a lot to do and don't need anything bringing me down but every song that's been coming on pandora (my favorite web-site: pandora.com, awesome radio) has reminded me of it. And I feel like I need to just talk about it. I never do...I hate talking about what's on my mind when I have stuff to do but I can't get it done until it is off of my mind. I just don't know how someone who used to love you can be so thoughtless and hurtful now even if it is over. I'm coming to the final end of a very drawn out dysfunctional relationship. Its been drawn out for so long over many different lies which I think is why it has worn down to nothing. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. It's been hard for a while.

I was beginning my paper tonight and looked at the date on my computer. It was after midnight so it said November 18th. My heart dropped as I realized tomorrow is November 19th. That day will forever be etched into my mind since its the day that we lost Liam. When it had been one year, I was left alone after being ditched by the person I was just talking about in the last paragraph. When it had been two years, I was lucky enough to have good friends in my dorm and they spent the day with me and even decorated my dorm room with uplifting quotes and pictures. This year, I have no clue what I am going to do. I am thankful that I didn't realize until now that it was coming up because now I don't have anxiety building up to it. I would like to celebrate Liam's life tomorrow night somehow. I think of him so much and even included him in a speech on what has affected me in becoming a social worker last week. Maybe I'll make a post on that sometime because I could've done my whole speech on how Liam has influenced the major I choose and my life. I miss him so much. My memory is horrible and I'm realizing I'm already losing some memories I used to have of him. They are just more fuzzy and I hate it. I need to start writing all of my memories with him down so I don't forget anything else.

I have been trying to write this paper since midnight. It's been five hours. I have been on the computer almost the entire time and I can't get anything done. My paper is not hard to write because its for my social work class and those papers are usually easy for me. And its not that I'm sad because I of who I was talking about earlier or because tomorrow is Nov. 19th, I'm really not feeling that down or upset. I'm just thinking about how fast time goes and how quickly life changes. Looking back on my junior year of high school which was really only two and half years ago, my life has changed dramatically. Some changes have been for the better and some for the worst, but this is just where my life has brought me. Kristina and I were talking about how what we've been though in just the past few years and how much life has changed. I think I'm realizing that I'm in the real world now, too. This song came on my station on pandora and I've been listening to it on repeat a lot tonight. It's by my favorite female R&B artist, Mariah Carey. Music has always been a part of me and I attribute a lot of memories to songs that I listened then.

Here is a clip of lyrics to that Mariah Carey song:

"When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you’re distraught
And in pain without anyone
When we keep crying out
To be safe
But nobody comes
And you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
you can get there alone
it's okay
once you say:

'I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain'

And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail

And when the wind blows
And shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face"


Her voice is so strong and I feel like the lyrics empower me. Right now its 5:30 am and I have class from 11am-2 tomorrow then work after that. It doesn't look like I'll be sleeping because I have to write this paper now but I don't really mind.

Hopefully I'll be able to update again soon because a lot of good things are happening in my life too! My mom is doing so well and I am so happy! I saw her last night, I brought Erin, Kristina and Melissa down for dinner with her. She was lonely because Kristen was visiting friends this week so i was glad we got to visit her! She made chicken parm and it was great! She also looks so awesome, and I'm so happy. She is also very happy in the new house and I love it there too. I couldn't be happier with the new place! Also, I've been working at the sala.dworks in town and its been working out really well. My schedule never conflicts with class and they are pretty flexible with taking off. I also like the people I work with which is nice. Okay, I need to stop updating and write this paper before I'm not in the mood to write anymore. :)

JOHN MCCAIN RECORD . COM

www.johnmccainrecord.com

another good web-site. -spread it

Really Scary

www.keatingeconomics.com

Check out the video on the website above. If you haven't heard of the keating five yet, you will by tomorrow because the Obama campaign just released it. Pass it on to as many people as you can. It's important for all voters to see what kind of international economic crisis McCain would be putting our world in. He admits that he is "not good" with economics but really, I think he just tries to avoid the economy all together because he knows if he gets someone else to deal with it/speak about it, maybe his corrupt past won't come up. (Too late.) And you can get away with a hell of a lot more if you have someone else speaking for you who doesn't have ties to one of the biggest scandals in our country's history.

I'm really glad the Obama campaign is releasing this now. Everyone thinks McCain is the good guy and Palin is just his evil running mate but now the truths are coming out about McCain and I'm realizing that we CANNOT have him running our country. Its not only Sarah Palin that worries me now, its McCain himself. I'm praying that America will see how much McCain will cause our economy to collapse (more than it already is) because I might have to leave the country if he becomes president.

Ramblings

Every day I'm reminded that America is not nice. You stop a little faster to let someone turn in front of you because there's a huge line of cars behind you, and two cars honk unnecessarily and speed off on the side of your car. And when you hold the door for four people who are all in a hurry, and not one says thank you, its a little discouraging to be so nice. When all you want to do is just go on a ride in the valley and relax, but you're being followed by a beat-up truck on your ass with some redneck pissed off you're doing the speed limit, its hard to relax.

I was just rambling. Its been a long day. I got screwed over a lot and it's hard not to feel like the world's out to get me. But, still, I did three hours of work tonight and I feel good about it. I really want/need to do well this semester.

Why I Hate Politics.

McCain picked his running mate today. She's been a governor in Alaska for two years. She describes herself as "the average hockey mom". I read this in the New York Times article about McCain's choice for vice president:

Then, making an explicit appeal to Ms. Clinton’s disappointed supporters, she said, “It turns out that the women in America aren’t finished yet, and we can shatter that glass ceiling.”

What the fuck. This is why I hate politics. Its so corrupt. McCain knows damn well that he only picked her because shes a woman and she will appeal to all of Clinton's old supporters who REFUSE to support Obama because they are so die-hard about Hillary. I'm so angry because its threatening to Obama's lead and so extremely obvious that he only picked her because of her gender. If this weren't such a diverse race, McCain would've gone with anyone but a woman. I hope that Clinton's fans are offended by this and do not give in to McCain's plan of wooing them with his beautiful, "average", middle-aged vice president. I just looked up some info on her and even if she were fairly picked, I wouldn't think she's ready. She has no international experience and hasn't been involved in higher politics for very long. This is a joke.

Don't Ask Why

Ask What.

So I came home from PACAA and was given some of the worst news I could imagine receiving. I don't want to go into specifics because I'm not too sure who reads this and not many people have been told yet. But I was devastated. I cried my heart out on the phone with Gill and then Sean called right after I hung up and came over without asking or me telling him to. We sat on the benches that are by the pool and he held me while I cried in disbelief.

One of the first things I said to him was, "I just don't understand why this is happening. She doesn't deserve this, our family has done so much to try and make things better and I just don't know why this would happen when everything was finally starting to get better." Sean answered that with, "You can't ask 'Why?' but 'What?' By asking 'What?' the situation becomes all that much less frustrating and you can start looking in a better direction."

So today I started looking at what I can do. Its helped, too. Even though I don't know exactly what we're going to do, I feel better than I looked into it.

Tonight I'm going to Chestertown with my Mom. Kristen is already down there. I guess I'm going to end this here. I don't really know what else I can say.

Look At All The Lonely People

When I was younger, my favorite song was Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles. I remember listening to it on a tape (ha!) on repeat. I had no clue what it was about or how depressing it is. I think its kind of funny to look back on.

With My Arms Out To My Side

Life can be pretty...unexpected? shocking? I'm sort of at a loss for words right now.

The past three weeks have been the best weeks that I've had in the past ten months, at least. I don't know if it always shows on the outside, but I constantly feel happy and excited to be alive. It can mostly be attributed to Sean, who I haven't talked about much on here. I don't think I've ever met another person who has a perspective on life that is so similar to mine and for similar reasons. It didn't take long for me to pick up on that part of him because he communicates so well, another really important thing to me. I could go on but it just comes down to the fact that he makes me so happy. He motivates me to want to go back to West Chester this fall and work my ass off. No one, not even myself, could do that before. Its pretty amazing.

I don't know how to say this because bad things are always harder for me to put into words. We received some bad news that has me really worried. I was told last night and still haven't soaked in the shock. My head is so confused. I'm used to being so content and worry-free now, so its strange to feel such sadness.

I like to look at this as a blessing. If I were in the state I was still in when I left school this past Spring, or even in the beginning of June when I still didn't feel back to myself, I don't think I would be able to look at the bad news with much light. I like to think that if there is such thing as fate, a guardian angel or a higher power, that it was planned to send me these extreme emotions on separate ends of the spectrum because they will balance each other out. Because if nothing bad ever happened, the good things would lose their worth. There cannot be right without wrong, good without bad. Balance is everything.

BRETT DENNEN!

I LOVE SUMMER! Last night me, Gill, Kristen, Sean and Matt saw the Brett Dennen/John Mayer/Colbie Caillat concert! We really only wanted to see Brett Dennen but John Mayer turned out to be pretty amazing. Last time I saw him I wasn't as impressed but he covered so many amazing songs and jammed out a lot more. It was awesome! So many hilarious things happened... Kristen bought two beers and brought them back and handed me one. Right as I was sipping it, two security guards came over and said, "We're gonna need to see some ID". Being wasted, I turned to Kristen and said, "Kristen hand me your wallet." So she opened it up and showed me where her driver's license was. I took it out, handed it to the guy and he stared at it for a few seconds, handed it to his partner who nodded his head and said, "You're good. Enjoy." Then we all started rolling on the grass laughing as I chugged half of my "legal" beer. hahaha The concert was amazing! I had such a good time with people I love.

The picture at the top is obviously from Post Secret. I liked it a lot!

4th of July!

The past three days have been three of the best days of my year....maybe even longer than that. I haven't been this genuinely happy in so long! IT FEELS GREAT!

and it's fourth of july! i love this holiday! There are bbqs, beer, fireworks....it doesn't get much better than that! I'm going up to west chester tonight w/ my friends then around one were prob gonna bbq at sean's. :)

On a more serious note, today I'm thinking about all of the people who live in countries without the freedom we have in the States. Although there is still much change to be made in our country, we have progressed so much further than more than 3/4s of the world and we should be very thankful and proud of that. I am proud to be an American even if I strongly dislike our current president! But, change is in the near future. Yes, we can!!

PS

Be Positive (B+) AM

"Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful." -Annette Funicello

It's been exactly two years since Christine got into her car accident. It was a rough night on Friday and I cried like I hadn't in months. I miss her so, so much. I really want to laugh with her and be around her. Its really getting hard.

Liam's 8th birthday would be a week from now. Its just all around a very hard time.

But, life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful. Life doesn't even have to be good to be wonderful. Because life IS wonderful. Its much easier to be happy if I remember that. If I die at a young age, I wouldn't want anyone to hold back in life because they were grieving over me. I would want to shout to everyone, "LIVE! You are so lucky to have this chance." So, thats what I'm trying my hardest to do. I'm taking in all of the wonderful things life has to offer.

Things I Love About Life Right Now:
1.) I have a car! Its a Toyota Echo and it reminds me of a spaceship on the inside! I love it to death even though its a little beat up. I'm just so thankful to have a car again. (Its been 11 months!)
2.) Valley rides / Valley Gardens
3.) My best friends
4.) Beautiful weather
5.) A really great new friend.
6.) Feeling healthier each day
7.) Not having classes
8.) A higher level of believing in myself. I know I really can do anything I put my mind to.

Quick Recap

Last weekend was great. We got a lot done at staff training and I'm really happy with how our group works together. :) I think we have a lot to offer P.ACAA 42 and I'm excited for us to (hopefully) show it.




This weeks been kind of....boring. I don't like boring days because those are the ones when I have no motivation to do anything productive and just sit around thinking. Right now is not the time to be doing that. It's one of the hardest times of the year for me because in just a few more days it will be the day Christine had her car accident, TWO years ago. Two years.. Its so hard for me to believe.

Tuesday I was at S.aladworks about to go on my break and I realized that I'm working back at the same place I worked when Christine got in her accident. I was working at S.aladworks when I found out about the whole incident. Its hard to be there right now because it makes it so much easier to remember that day.

I'm trying to stay positive. Thinking positive has gotten me through so much that I don't see why I should stop. Maybe its good that I'm back at S.aladworks because maybe if I work myself through remembering that day more, I can eventually come to terms with it and start accepting my past a little better.

Kristen and Em are on their way here! I'm excited because we need a little more life around here. They're bringing Sydney AND Symon (cat). Should be interesting.. haha

I am so blessed.

Its definitely time that I have a real update because my life right now definitely deserves it. Things are GREAT!
While Kristen and Em were home I took them to Valley Gardens because neither of them had been there and I knew they would enjoy it. So we went and Kris got some really good pics with her name camera. Then last Wednesday me, Kristen, Em, my mom and Dan Glavin went to Dave Matthews!! It was awesome! We "tailgated" in Kristen's new car, taught my mom how to play Kings and danced in ponchos. What could be better than that? Really though, the concert was so much fun and I'm so glad I got to go with people I love.

Drum Roll Please.....
Yesterday was THE best day of my life so far.

Gill, Matty and I went canoeing down the Brandywine! Gill and I have been planning this trip and I must say, we did a great job of planning it. We had everything we needed on the canoe with us. It was SUCH a beautiful day yesterday. It was the hottest day we've had yet this summer (until today) but on the river it was perfect. We just sat back on the canoe, drank cold beers and took in the amazing scenery the Brandywine River has to offer. Even though the river water may be polluted from all the Delaware *cough*DuPont*cough* chemicals, it was still the most beautiful sight. The sides of the river and lined with tall trees and beautiful flowers. We even saw a bull on the side of the river!! I just don't know any other words to describe this trip but amazing. I really felt as if I were living my life to the absolute fullest and that's definitely a great feeling in its self. It took us about five and a half hours to get to Smith Bridge but thats pretty good timing considering how little we paddled. There were parts of the river that were deep enough that we couldn't stand and we would all just swim on the side of our boat because the water felt so great!
Once we finally got to the end mark, our canoe rental place picked us up and took us back to our car. We then drove straight to Valley Gardens in our soaked clothes and with our river washed hair looking like valley junkies haha! We sat at our favorite spot and did more of our favorite thing. Then we went to Charcoal Pit, got take out milkshakes and drove to Gill's grandparent's house for a BBQ! It was me, Gill, Matty, Gill's mom, my Mom, Nan and Pop. I couldn't have asked for a better meal after the long day.
I think if I were asked to describe what a perfect day would be for me, this would be EXACTLY it. I feel so lucky and blessed to have such a beautiful river near me, friends and family who I love to death and great memories like this one. I couldn't ask for more. :)

Just A Quote

"Don't wonder why people go crazy..wonder why they don't. In the face of all we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold it together." -Greys Anatomy

I like this quote a lot. Sometimes its hard to believe that we can adapt to change and loss as well as we do.

Superman Visits In My Dreams

I just woke up because I went to bed around 5. I feel like I need to write this down before I forget it completely. This morning while I was sleeping, I had a dream about Liam. It wasn't the ordinary type of dream about Liam thats usually extremely emotional or really sad. In this dream we were on a huge boat, basically a cruise ship. It was a celebration of something but I don't know if I ever figured out what we were celebrating. The one thing that was not out of the ordinary in my dream was that I knew that Liam was going to die. It wasn't that I knew he had cancer and suspected it, but I was aware of what happened in November of 2005.

There wasn't much content to the dream. Nothing really happened. I just kept seeing Liam on this crowded ship and running up to him to give him a hug. I can still feel his tiny hands lightly pressing my back. He was laughing and smiling throughout my whole dream. I remember walking a lot with him on the ship, staring at him to take in every little detail and kissing the top of his bald, shiny head. I must've somehow knew that I was dreaming and that I would wake up soon because I asked Liam for one last big hug as if I were leaving the ship. I bent down on one knee and he basically ran into my arms, this time putting all of his weight onto my chest. I remember feeling that, thinking of how him running into my chest kind of hurt a little, but it was the best feeling in the world because it was Liam. I can still feel it. Then after our long hug, he said, "That was the best hug I've ever had!" And then I woke up from my alarm, stretched, and walked out on the balcony because it is a beautiful day. I sat there for a few minutes, trying to figure out why I felt so weird. And then I remembered the dream as if it had happened the night before. It was so vivid and clear still in my mind. I don't know how to say this but anyone whose ever lost someone they loved knows the feeling without me having to describe it. And if you haven't ever lost anyone you love, its not worth me trying to explain this feeling because there aren't words for this emotion. Its missing someone so much that you wonder sometimes how you still function.

I miss you Liam. Thanks for visiting in my dreams.

Seventeen and Stupid

Last night my best friend from high school (and still one of my best friends) asked me if I ever think about what happened last July. I never talk about it and only four people know it ever happened. Those four people have never brought it up and to be honest, after it happened, I never once brought it up either. But to answer her question, I do think about a lot still. I think about how different my life would be if that had never happened that day, how many people would look at me differently, and how such a hard thing to go through, turned out to be such a blessing in the long run.

Betrayal

Tonight I had some of the rudest things said to me ever. I have never felt so unappreciated and betrayed. I was stunned by what the person was saying that I couldn't even speak. I was just so baffled at their stupidity and immaturity that I couldn't even come up with words to say. So I didn't speak. And then he called me,

"A rich white girl from Delaware who hasn't been through shit."

And I LOST IT.

I have never felt so angry, hurt, upset or ready to speak my mind. I am NOT AT ALL rich. I have a Mom who works 18 hours days weekly to put her two daughters into college. Oh, and I definitely would not classify myself who hasn't been through shit. Because I'm white, I live a perfect life free of any stress. NO, that's ridiculous. I just wished I could've shown him those days of my past that still haunt me every day. I wish he could've walked in my Mom's shoes for a day and seen how much she struggles to support herself, my sister and I.

I've never had a friend do this to me before. I've had friends who did things that made me mad or lost friends over stupid things but I've never, ever had someone been so backstabbing and insane. So hurtful and careless about what they were saying.

Relay For Life

Today was Relay For Life at West Chester. I didn't raise money, or really do much for our team. I was dreading even going to it because I didn't want any reminders. When we got there I made Sammy promise me she wouldn't let me cry and be corny during the luminaria ceremony. Well duh, I cried. And then afterwards, I felt really good. I should've let myself think about Liam all throughout the time I was there, raised money in his name and done more for the team in memory of Liam. Now, I realize that I was a coward for dreading Relay For Life. I should've made the best of it for Liam.

But, life goes on and now I know for the future that I shouldn't desensitize myself towards anything that makes me think of Liam or Christine but just deal with it, go through it and come out stronger.

Here it goes.

I woke up one morning in June and got ready for work with Meg. She had spent the night because we both had to open Saladworks. It was a beautiful day but for some reason, I didn't feel right. After we opened, Keyshia (a girl who only worked there a few weeks but became a good friend of mine at work) asked me what was going on. I was working the register and usually I am really happy with the customers but for some reason that morning, I had a knot in my stomach and couldn't even muster a smile. Somedays were still hard for me dealing with Liam's death because it had only been 6 months but I knew it didn't have to do with that. I was just feeling really anxious and down.
Around eleven, my boss told me to take a break and get something to eat because Keyshia told her I was struggling with getting through the day, and I was working open to close (twelve hours). I went to the closet to get out my purse and took my phone out to call my Mom to talk to her about how weird I had been feeling all day. At the same time, Keyshia was ringing me up for a blush pasta. When I lit up my phone, I saw 23 missed calls and six voicemails. My heart dropped. I immediately ran out of the store and began crying. I knew something terrible had happened. I knew it before I had even checked my phone.
First I checked my voicemail because I wasn't sure who to call back. More than ten different people had called me. The first one was Brittany. At first all I heard were here sobs and then I heard the words that I will never forget.
"Kels, you gotta call me. I don't want to be the one to tell you this but you need to know right now. Kels, call me back. It's Christine." then she started crying and hung up the phone.
My knees fell weak and I collapsed outside of Saladworks. Keyshia had followed me outside and tried making out what I was saying through my tears. She and Meghan walked me to the back of Saladworks while I called Brittany back. She was still crying although the voicemail she left was from an hour before. She answered without saying anything and I yelled out of fear, "What happened Brit, what happened to Christine?!" She kept crying and said, "She got in a car accident this morning. She's not doing good, Kels. They had to fly her in a helicopter to UPenn. Everyones at the hospital but they aren't letting anyone see her. She's getting brain surgery, Kels."
I dropped my phone and can't really remember what happened around that time. I know Meghan was holding me and crying with me and that my old mean boss Cal brought me water and tissues. They asked who they should call to come pick me up because I was in no condition to drive but then I saw Brittany running from the parking lot. I could barely walk. My mind was flooded with horrible sights and intense fear. At one point, I thought I was dreaming. I thought, this is all a dream. This would never happen to Christine. Once I got in Brittany's car and we looked at each other, both not knowing what to say, I completely fell apart. That's when I knew it was real. Such raw emotion and all of this fear could not be a dream. I was living a nightmare.
I called Rusty because he had left me three voicemails. He was already at the hospital with Nick and Jon and they were just sitting in the waiting room. Rusty assured me that everything would be okay. He kept telling me that everything will be fine, just to stay calm and positive. She would make it.
Brittany took me back to my house and Kristen's friend Meredith was waiting there to give me a ride to the hospital. Kristen was in North Carolina when I called her with the news so she called a friend to drive me to UPenn. Then I got another call. This time it was Nick. He told me they were making all visitors leave now so there was no point in me driving up now. Her brain was swelling and she needed a second skull surgery to release some of the pressure.
The rest is pretty foggy still. I know I sat at my house with some of my closest friends and just cried. Rachel Dolgin drove down that night and we all just sat around, waiting. I didn't know it yet, but waiting would be what I would be doing for the next twenty-three days. Waiting for news, answers, improvement and most especially, waiting to see Christine.

I visited her two days after the accident and did not recognize my best friend at all. Her face was extremely swollen, so much that her cheeks came up to her nose. Christine's hair was all shaved off and there were lines of staples in her head from her brain surgeries. Although it looked nothing like her, while I stayed next to her hospital bed I could feel her there too.

Christine was in a coma for twenty-three days after the accident. At first, it was medically induced because she would've been in too much pain after her brain surgery. The Saturday after her accident (on a Tuesday), she had a stroke. Her stroke reduced her brain activity, but the doctors were still hopeful that she would come out of the coma with minor brain damage.

About a week passed, things stayed stable. I had been visiting periodically, whenever her parents and the doctors said we could come. Saladworks gave me two weeks off right off the bat and were very understanding so I spent as much time as possible at the hospital.

One time I went with Lara. I think Dan may have come with us or met us there but a lot of those twenty-three days are beginning to get fuzzy. The important thing is, every single minute I spent with Christine in that hospital room, I will never forget. I sat next to her bed and held her hand. A young nurse came in and introduced herself. She was just changing some of Christine's tubes and checking her stats. I kept rubbing Christine's hands, noticing the dried bloods underneath of her finger nails. It literally was one of the hardest moments of my life right then. The nurse started talking to Christine while changing her tubes. She was telling her what she was doing. I looked at the nurse confused and asked, can she hear you? She smiled at me and said, "Yes, honey, she can hear you. I assure you."

So then I started talking to Christine. I told her what we had all been doing in the past few weeks, how strong she is and how proud I was of her for putting up such a fight. Her hand flinched a little and I jumped. I told the nurse she had moved. The nurse looked at her blood pressure and said, I know she can hear you. Her blood pressure is going down because hearing your voice relaxes her. That's how you know if someone in a coma can hear you. So then I started telling Christine things I would want to know. I told her what day it was, the time, the colors of her hospital room, how Skippy her cat has been looking for her these past few weeks. As I kept talking, her blood pressure continued lowering and I knew she could hear me. Lara came in the room and started talking to her too. After the nurse left, we sang James Taylor's You've Got A Friend while holding each of her hands. Christine loved James Taylor. I couldn't get through the song without tears flowing from my eyes. I didn't want Christine to know I was crying so I let go of her hand and walked to the corner of the room. The nurse came back in and saw me in the corner crying. She promised me that everything was going to be okay and Christine was getting better. I looked her in the eyes and saw hers were swelled up with tears as well.

About a week later, we got the news that Christine had developed pnemonia. This worried the doctors a lot and the started using terms such as "quality of life" and "life support". I couldn't believe what a horrible turn everything had taken. But still, we remained positive. In my heart, I knew Christine would be okay. A few days later, the pnemonia turned into a blood infection which attacked her organs one by one. Christine was having less brain activity and being less responsive to voices and being touched. Still, my hope remained strong and I never gave up on her.

On Friday of July 14th, 2006, I went to the mall with Gill and Meghan. We were in Claires standing in line to buy sunglasses and my phone rang. It was Kristen. When I first wrote this post I thought it was Nick but Kristen assured me she was the one who had called me. I try not to think about this day much, which is probably why my memory is distorted. I answered and she told me Christine had been taken off of life support a few minutes ago. I told Gill the news, hung up with Kristen, paid for my sunglasses and walked out of Concord Mall without a tear in my eye. I looked at everyone who I passed while walking out of that mall and wished I could've been any one of them. I couldn't talk, drive, cry or really even move at all once we got to my car. Gill drove my car Kristen said, but once again, I thought I did. (My whole memory of this day is so distorted. I don't even think its because it's been almost two years this summer. I think its because I'm so scared to think about that day. It hurts way too much.) I walked inside and completely collapsed on my couch. My best friend who had been there for me during the death of Liam 7 months ago, was now gone as well. I felt so much emotion all at once and never thought I would ever be okay. All of my hope and belief in her making it out of this had all been washed down the drain.

In two months it will mark two years since the day she got into her car accident. I can say I am a changed person, in good and bad ways. I never thought I would be okay, but I am. I know that Christine put up the biggest fight she could. I treasure every moment I ever spent with her and always will. I'm lucky to have been so close with her and I am thankful for so many things. But, I can't say that I'm 100% okay. I miss her more than anything, and I think about it every single day. I just want to be laughing with her walking down South Street again or to be on Jr.Staff with her right now. It's really hard losing a best friend. Teenagers focus their whole lives around their friends (usually more than family) so losing Christine was like losing a part of my life that I will never be able to get back.

Inspired By Kristen's Post

I never really write about Christine anymore. And if I do, Liam is usually involved. Kristen's post about Christine inspired me to write about her.
I think I need to write about the day that changed my life. It would probably help a little. But I don't feel like I'm strong enough to do that right now. I couldn't tell if I just didn't feel like typing. I'm definitely just not strong enough to write about it yet. I still have nightmares about that day.

Sunny Days

It was such a BEAUTIFUL day out today-

I went on a long drive with Melissa, Kristin and Emily this morning. It was such a cliche "summer" day outside today. Everyone was laying on a blanket in the grass, playing frisbee or driving with their windows down and sunglasses on. All the boys had their shirts off and the girls were all wearing tanks and flip flops. It was a pretty corny sight but I can't say I didn't enjoy the sunny day. We went to a park and went on the swings until our hips hurt then I walked into town with Emily and Kristin.

I needed good weather. I hope it stays really nice because it makes me really happy.

An e-mail I got today

John McCain is so wrong on Iraq, he can't even get the basic facts about the situation on the ground correct.

Today, as he was questioning Gen. David Petraeus, he again confused the difference between Shiite and Sunni Muslims.

At least five times as a candidate John McCain has stated that Iran (a Shiite nation) is supporting Al-Qaeda (a Sunni group) in Iraq. This is not some minor mistake, but a significant gaffe. He clearly does not understand the sensitive political dynamics in that region of the world.

What's worse is that he's done it at important times when you'd expect him to be at his best -- he did it today in the Senate while questioning the commander of American forces in Iraq, and he did it on a recent trip to the Middle East.

If John McCain can't remember such a simple fact at crucial times, how will he be able to do it as President?

We have to stop John McCain from taking control of the White House, and stop him from taking over George Bush's war in Iraq. Can you write a letter to the editor of your local paper letting voters in your area know just how confused John McCain is?

http://www.democrats.org/gaffes

Once is misspeaking -- five times is a dangerous lack of understanding. John McCain so badly misunderstands Iraq that he's content to stay there for 100 years, something he's said multiple times. He has also failed to explain how he would pay for a war that is now costing you and me $12 billion each month -- money we could be using to help our economy here at home.

John McCain wants us to believe that his decades of foreign policy experience make him the natural choice to lead our nation at war with terrorists.

We just can't afford someone who just doesn't understand Iraq -- it's too dangerous.

Thanks for your support.

Howard Dean

To The Dreamers

"All accomplishments stem from dreams courageous people convert into reality." _Dr. David J Schwartz

Road to Change: PA Bus Tour

Today a boy in Teen Leaders crashed his car into the same tree that Christine did. From what I hear, he was wearing his seat belt and is completely fine now. It just shook me up a lot. I had a dream about a week ago that I haven't yet forgotten. It was about Christine. In my dream, she had come out of her coma a year and a half ago instead of passing away. She didn't have a lot of her motor skills and she couldn't talk still. She could see and hear everyone, though. She looked somewhat different than she had before the accident but I was used to it in the dream and it didn't affect anyone. The dream was strange...I was at the Concord Mall with Becca, Amanda and Gill and we were talking about how we should go hang out with Christine after we left. So we went over to her house and ate icecream just like we did in real life over winter break except for Christine was there. Everything was exactly the same after we got to the house except Christine was there. Its just weird that I dreamt about that because that could've happened. If that had really happened, would I have had dreams about her dying? I probably would, then wake up thankful that that didn't happen instead of upset that it weren't the way the dream were like I am now. Sorry, this is so much rambling. I'm stopping.

More SB Pictures

Kristen requested I post more pictures..and since I'm pretty sure you're the only person I know who reads my blog, I figured I should so I don't lose my only reader haha =]



This was at Paradise Beach in Cozumel. We got there around 9 in the morning so not many people were there yet.


There were parrots on Paradise Beach!


I took this right when we got to Beliz and the sun was rising (yes, we got up that early!). You can see Sammy walking in the bottom right of the picture.

ahhhh I've spent the last twenty minutes trying to post more pictures but it won't let me so I'm going to edit this post later!

A Ramble Worth Two Weeks

The cruise was absolutely AMAZING. Here are just a few of the 200 pictures I took.


This was part of the upper deck of the ship. There were tons of pools/hot tubs and all day a steel drum band played reggae songs.



I took this when we got off the ship in Cozumel. That water was crystal clear.



There's the ship!

The cave tubing in Beliz was my favorite part of the trip by far. We got up at 7am and took a boat to the shore of Beliz. Our tour guide, Tomas, picked us up and he drove us through Beliz City. It was such an interesting city. They are going through some type of reform right now and everywhere there were signs and billboards about voting for the UDP which Tomas said is a democratic government. It was so different from America. Then we drove for about 40 minutes and we were at the rain forest! It was unreal. It felt like we had just left South Philly and all of a sudden we were at a rain forest! We walked through the rain forest for half an hour until we got to the river. I couldn't bring my camera because you get completely soaked cave tubing but walking through that rain forest was the most breath taking and amazing experience of my life. It was so beautiful. The ceiling of the cave had crystals and diamonds. We came up to the bottom of a waterfall where the water is completely pure and clean so everyone drank from it and got completely soaked.

There were so many things we did. We went to Paradise Beach in Cozumel. It was full of palm trees and even had parrots! Sammy and I bought huge $13 drinks from the tiki bar that probably would've been atleast 20 in the U.S. The men that work the bar walk around the beach with bottles of tequila and pour it in your mouth while you lay out in the sun. I don't know if I've felt as relaxed and free as I did on that beach. It truly was paradise.

Beliz and Cozumel were our two big stops but on the ship there was so much to do! There were 3,000 people on our ship and 1,000 of them were Spring Breakers! Every single night was the biggest party you've ever been to on the ship. We made a lot of friends (who were 21) ;) and lived it up almost every night. There was a night club called The Dungeon and we went there a few nights. There was a huge casino. Every floor had tons of bars and all of them were packed. The Royal Promenade was the size of a football field and full of places to eat, bars and shops. It felt like we were walking in a town on the ship.

I could go on forever about everything that we did and more details about the ship. Two people told me that they thought I was the happiest I had been in a very long time when I got back to school on Sunday. And then Monday came...

I had a very straining week. On Wednesday I had a breakdown. I felt like I let down someone really close to me, and that is the last thing I ever want to do. I also have come to the realization that I'm not happy at West Chester anymore. But, I'm not going into that right now. I felt like I was failing in so many different aspects of my life. Mom's in North Carolina visiting Kristen so she let me borrow the car so I could come home. I needed some time to myself away from campus.

Today I came across a quote that I'm going to print out and take back to college with me on Sunday. It's from one of the most inspiring people I know.

"Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. It's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere."
-Barack Obama

must see

i don't have time to save the video/upload it here and i dont have a youtube account so i cant just send it but i randomly came across this clip today so copy and paste the link if you want. i had no clue what it was about or that the little girl would be singing a song so special to me.

kris- i think you should watch this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWNoiVrJDsE

i'm leaving tomorrow morning for ft.lauderdale and the ship leaves on monday morning! i'm going to the mall to pick up a few last minute things then going to sammy's for the night so this is my last post until i get back from cozumel and beliz! i hope everyone has a great spring break and is safe :)

The Hokies

I saw this secret on post secret tonight. It made me really feel for them. I think about Virginia Tech all the time. I still think of all the victims, all the families who lost someone they love, every single VT student, and the gunman. I wonder how someone could be so senseless and stupid and evil.

Tonight I will be thinking about everyone affected by the Virginia Tech shootings. It should never be forgotten.

I miss my friend

The other day I was really bored and decided to go through all of my old messages on myspace. They went all the way back to my freshman year of high school. There was one message I came across from Christine that she sent on February 6, 2006. This is a little over 4 months before her accident. It was a survey I posted for other people to fill out. As I was reading it I laughed and smiled at her answers about me but once I finished reading it I got really sad. I wanted more.

Three of the questions made me really miss her..

6. If u could GIVE me anything, what would it be: A HUG!
7. If u could ASK me one last thing, what would it be: how did you get to be so cool?
8. If u could TELL me one last thing, what would it be: i like you a whole lot!

I really miss her a lot.

Beliz, Concerts, Apartment :o)

Only seven more days til spring break.. I'm so excited. My passport came in the mail last week. While we're in Beliz we are doing this cave adventure trip where we walk about a half an hour to a cave then float in tubes through the cave for four hours. It's named the most beautiful cave in the world. I can't wait, I've never been so excited for a vacation.

The month of February has been crazy for me. Last Tuesday Sammy and I saw the Spice Girls because I won tickets on Q102. I ran into Dan Benzing from leaders. We might be going to the J.Holiday/Trey Songz concert next Tuesday but I need to come up with the $35. I'm so broke. Then March 28th we're seeing Lil Wayne at the Liacouras Center. Hopefully we'll go to DMB over the summer, but so far this year has been pretty good with concerts :)

Yesterday we found out that we got an apartment on south campus. I'm SO excited to have our own bathroom and kitchen. I can't wait to cook actual meals instead of the shitty dining hall food that makes my stomach hurt. Also, I'll have my car down there so I can probably start work again. Over the summer I'll probably take summer courses either here or at Wilmington or Del Tech. I'm going to try to get some tough classes out of the way. The only problem is PACAA would take up a week of classes. I'm going to ask the University if it would be possible to notify my professors at the beginning of the summer semester and still be able to make up any work I missed. If not, then I won't take the classes.

I'm going to take a nap. I only got 2 hours of sleep because I needed to finish my research paper. Someday soon I'll update about something important! ;)

Fear

I was just reading about a young girl who died of cancer and it got me really emotional. Sometimes I can read those things and not get upset about Liam and other times it hits me as if it were Liam who I am reading about.

Just thinking about how tomorrow is not guaranteed and that everyone will eventually die makes me want to do the things I'm too scared to do. Whether it be expressing how I feel to the person I love with no fear of being hurt or sky diving even though I have an intense fear of heights...I just want to do it right now. All of it. And I wish that tomorrow I wouldn't wake up and be back to my old self where the fear has taken over.

Traveling

Kristen told me I need to update so I'm taking a few minutes to do so...

Life has been crazy. This past month has been a rollercoaster for me. I got some really really great news concerning my health at the beginning of the month. Towards the middle there was a lot of excitement with going back to west chester and some sadness in leaving my friends at home. And now, at the end of the month, my life is so hectic!

Hopefully February will go by fast and then March will be here and Sammy and I will be on our way to Cozumel/Beliz! I'm so excited and ready for the biggest trip I've ever been on. I've only been out of the country once, and it was a day trip into Mexico because my Aunt Robin lived right over the border in Texas. So, I feel like this is my first time really leaving the country and I couldn't be happier! One of my biggest fears is dying without seeing enough of the world. I want to see everything. There is so much out there; its beyond my comprehension. This trip will be the beginning of my traveling and hopefully there will be much more to come. Becca and I were talking last night about planning a trip for junior year to backpack across Europe. I would absolutely love to do that. I don't want to stay in four-star hotels or pay to go to all of the well-known tourist attractions. I want to discover and explore on my own. I also don't have the money to be an average tourist but I think it would be more fun to rough it. If I could guarantee one thing that would happen before I die it would be to explore every continent thoroughly. (except maybe Antarctica) but I'd still like to go!

Sorry if this post is boring.. I guess the main reason why I haven't been updating is because I've been writing in my real journal a lot lately. Some of the things I wanted to post about on here I was afraid to because I know people read this and they were really personal. I wish I could be completely open on here but I have no clue who reads this or if it will change their perception of me. And so...the boring posts will continue. :) Maybe someday I'll find something interesting to talk about that is appropriate for cyber-space and for all those weirdos that I don't know who are reading this! haha

Written Horribly But With Heart

My godmother, Marianna, passed away from cancer this past fall. I saw her a week before she went and we talked about old memories. I had to leave the room a few times because I would start to cry and didn't want her to see me like that. I knew that was going to be the last time I saw her. Before I left the room I looked into her eyes and tried so hard to make the goodbye as good as it could possibly be. I've experienced losing people with no chance of saying goodbye, and that has always been the hardest part. But being put in the situation, where I knew it was the final goodbye, may have been harder because you have to walk away from that person who is still alive knowing that the last double take you do will be the last time you will see them, ever.

There was a Christmas present I hadn't opened yet. It was still in the trunk of my mom's car from Christmas and I just brought it in tonight. The gifts were dropped off by my Aunt Lauren to my grandparents house. We opened the box tonight and inside were three boxes and a letter. The letter was from Aunt Lauren saying that Marianna had made these three pieces of jewelry for my mom, Kristen and I. Mine is a necklace with brown and turquiose beads which are my two favorite colors together. Months after I said goodbye to her, months after the funeral, I received a gift from her. It blows my mind. Marianna made beautiful jewelry.

While I felt like my whole life was falling apart and my emotions were running low, a very special angel sent me a gift on the day I needed it most.