What A Week

"You're the only one
Who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space"
from Mariah Carey's Against All Odds

Tonight this song came on Pandora and I hadn't heard it in a really long time. I remember listening to this song years ago and singing it without even thinking about what the lyrics could mean. The singer can't face that their ex is never going to come back to them. That's not at all what has made me listen to this song on repeat all night...just the four lines I quoted up there. I couldn't think of how to put into words how I've been feeling about this situation I've been dealing with since the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. These words tell why I haven't slept at all. The first few nights I was still shocked that I was able to sleep some during the night. I have been awake since I woke up eleven in the morning on Sunday. It's now 3:46am on Wednesday.

"You're the only one who really knew me at all." He has been steadily in my life since the ninth grade. I got close to only a few girls in high school. What used to be my big group of best friends in middle school had been minimized to only two or three friends at a time. I couldn't manage a social life and a boyfriend and I didn't want to because I was experiencing "love" for the first time and wanted nothing more than to engage it and make it stronger. He was the person who I thought knew me the best because he had been my friend and my boyfriend. He had seen every side of me. Whenever he did anything that made me mad at him, he reminded me we needed it each other because we knew each other better than we knew ourselves. I believed it.

"So take a look at me now 'cause there's just an empty space." He told me on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving that he never loved me or truly cared about me but kept me around because I was the most vulnerable. Those words are what put me into shock for the first few days. Now, all I feel is empty. For all of those years I thought he knew me better than I knew myself and maybe he did, but I had no idea who he was. Someone who I thought was a big part of me suddenly became a complete stranger and made me feel violated and hollow. It made me realize that he never let me find out who I AM not who WE are.

My computer's battery has two minutes left on it or I would probably write more. Oh well, maybe I can sleep now.

It's time to find me.

the end of an all-nighter

i'm pretty tired right now seeing as its 6am and i haven't slept yet. kristina and i stayed up doing homework all night and there is no point in sleeping now. i couldn't even if i tried.

i'm not up for explaining everything that happened over the past week because it is too complicated with too much of a history behind it. i don't think i'll ever be able to write down everything. its just too much and i can't even believe i can remember so many things about our relationship because so much happened over six years. maybe i'll go more into detail later, but right now i don't want to think of any of that. thats how i spent my entire thanksgiving break.

recently i've been trying to get in touch with people i've lost touch with. earlier tonight a friend of mine, who i haven't seen in a year or so, drove from jersey to come see me. it was really good to see him and to see a new face around here. i also e-mailed a few people who i've been meaning to check on. i hate losing contact with people and letting relationships fade away. on saturday night we had some people over at our apartment and my friends from home- gill, meghan, kailyn and becca- came. i hadnt seen most of them in a really long time and it was really good to see them.

i have this week of classes and then finals start next week. i'm anxious to find out my grades for the semester and hoping that they are good enough to keep me here. i believe they will be. i can honestly say that this semester i worked my ass off. i'm just hoping that my grades are good enough to bring my gpa up since im on academic probation. if they aren't, how mad can i be at myself? i tried my best during a very hard 4 months for my family and i just have to hope for the best from here on out. i'm trying to be optimistic now by believing that i'll still be here in the spring and not even considering any other options. if by chance i find out i can't come back, i'll deal with it then.

thankfully i don't have to work until wednesday so i can catch up on my sleep. its really common for me to spend my "free time" sleeping or taking a nap because its been hard to get papers/work done early when i work weeknights. work is going well, though. i'm probably going to live at my apartment up here for most of winter break because i can pick up a lot of hours and save up for next semester. i really would like to/need to do that.

alright, not much else to update on right now. i've been looking at a computer screen all night and thats getting old..