Today was Relay For Life at West Chester. I didn't raise money, or really do much for our team. I was dreading even going to it because I didn't want any reminders. When we got there I made Sammy promise me she wouldn't let me cry and be corny during the luminaria ceremony. Well duh, I cried. And then afterwards, I felt really good. I should've let myself think about Liam all throughout the time I was there, raised money in his name and done more for the team in memory of Liam. Now, I realize that I was a coward for dreading Relay For Life. I should've made the best of it for Liam.
But, life goes on and now I know for the future that I shouldn't desensitize myself towards anything that makes me think of Liam or Christine but just deal with it, go through it and come out stronger.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Here it goes.
I woke up one morning in June and got ready for work with Meg. She had spent the night because we both had to open Saladworks. It was a beautiful day but for some reason, I didn't feel right. After we opened, Keyshia (a girl who only worked there a few weeks but became a good friend of mine at work) asked me what was going on. I was working the register and usually I am really happy with the customers but for some reason that morning, I had a knot in my stomach and couldn't even muster a smile. Somedays were still hard for me dealing with Liam's death because it had only been 6 months but I knew it didn't have to do with that. I was just feeling really anxious and down.
Around eleven, my boss told me to take a break and get something to eat because Keyshia told her I was struggling with getting through the day, and I was working open to close (twelve hours). I went to the closet to get out my purse and took my phone out to call my Mom to talk to her about how weird I had been feeling all day. At the same time, Keyshia was ringing me up for a blush pasta. When I lit up my phone, I saw 23 missed calls and six voicemails. My heart dropped. I immediately ran out of the store and began crying. I knew something terrible had happened. I knew it before I had even checked my phone.
First I checked my voicemail because I wasn't sure who to call back. More than ten different people had called me. The first one was Brittany. At first all I heard were here sobs and then I heard the words that I will never forget.
"Kels, you gotta call me. I don't want to be the one to tell you this but you need to know right now. Kels, call me back. It's Christine." then she started crying and hung up the phone.
My knees fell weak and I collapsed outside of Saladworks. Keyshia had followed me outside and tried making out what I was saying through my tears. She and Meghan walked me to the back of Saladworks while I called Brittany back. She was still crying although the voicemail she left was from an hour before. She answered without saying anything and I yelled out of fear, "What happened Brit, what happened to Christine?!" She kept crying and said, "She got in a car accident this morning. She's not doing good, Kels. They had to fly her in a helicopter to UPenn. Everyones at the hospital but they aren't letting anyone see her. She's getting brain surgery, Kels."
I dropped my phone and can't really remember what happened around that time. I know Meghan was holding me and crying with me and that my old mean boss Cal brought me water and tissues. They asked who they should call to come pick me up because I was in no condition to drive but then I saw Brittany running from the parking lot. I could barely walk. My mind was flooded with horrible sights and intense fear. At one point, I thought I was dreaming. I thought, this is all a dream. This would never happen to Christine. Once I got in Brittany's car and we looked at each other, both not knowing what to say, I completely fell apart. That's when I knew it was real. Such raw emotion and all of this fear could not be a dream. I was living a nightmare.
I called Rusty because he had left me three voicemails. He was already at the hospital with Nick and Jon and they were just sitting in the waiting room. Rusty assured me that everything would be okay. He kept telling me that everything will be fine, just to stay calm and positive. She would make it.
Brittany took me back to my house and Kristen's friend Meredith was waiting there to give me a ride to the hospital. Kristen was in North Carolina when I called her with the news so she called a friend to drive me to UPenn. Then I got another call. This time it was Nick. He told me they were making all visitors leave now so there was no point in me driving up now. Her brain was swelling and she needed a second skull surgery to release some of the pressure.
The rest is pretty foggy still. I know I sat at my house with some of my closest friends and just cried. Rachel Dolgin drove down that night and we all just sat around, waiting. I didn't know it yet, but waiting would be what I would be doing for the next twenty-three days. Waiting for news, answers, improvement and most especially, waiting to see Christine.
I visited her two days after the accident and did not recognize my best friend at all. Her face was extremely swollen, so much that her cheeks came up to her nose. Christine's hair was all shaved off and there were lines of staples in her head from her brain surgeries. Although it looked nothing like her, while I stayed next to her hospital bed I could feel her there too.
Christine was in a coma for twenty-three days after the accident. At first, it was medically induced because she would've been in too much pain after her brain surgery. The Saturday after her accident (on a Tuesday), she had a stroke. Her stroke reduced her brain activity, but the doctors were still hopeful that she would come out of the coma with minor brain damage.
About a week passed, things stayed stable. I had been visiting periodically, whenever her parents and the doctors said we could come. Saladworks gave me two weeks off right off the bat and were very understanding so I spent as much time as possible at the hospital.
One time I went with Lara. I think Dan may have come with us or met us there but a lot of those twenty-three days are beginning to get fuzzy. The important thing is, every single minute I spent with Christine in that hospital room, I will never forget. I sat next to her bed and held her hand. A young nurse came in and introduced herself. She was just changing some of Christine's tubes and checking her stats. I kept rubbing Christine's hands, noticing the dried bloods underneath of her finger nails. It literally was one of the hardest moments of my life right then. The nurse started talking to Christine while changing her tubes. She was telling her what she was doing. I looked at the nurse confused and asked, can she hear you? She smiled at me and said, "Yes, honey, she can hear you. I assure you."
So then I started talking to Christine. I told her what we had all been doing in the past few weeks, how strong she is and how proud I was of her for putting up such a fight. Her hand flinched a little and I jumped. I told the nurse she had moved. The nurse looked at her blood pressure and said, I know she can hear you. Her blood pressure is going down because hearing your voice relaxes her. That's how you know if someone in a coma can hear you. So then I started telling Christine things I would want to know. I told her what day it was, the time, the colors of her hospital room, how Skippy her cat has been looking for her these past few weeks. As I kept talking, her blood pressure continued lowering and I knew she could hear me. Lara came in the room and started talking to her too. After the nurse left, we sang James Taylor's You've Got A Friend while holding each of her hands. Christine loved James Taylor. I couldn't get through the song without tears flowing from my eyes. I didn't want Christine to know I was crying so I let go of her hand and walked to the corner of the room. The nurse came back in and saw me in the corner crying. She promised me that everything was going to be okay and Christine was getting better. I looked her in the eyes and saw hers were swelled up with tears as well.
About a week later, we got the news that Christine had developed pnemonia. This worried the doctors a lot and the started using terms such as "quality of life" and "life support". I couldn't believe what a horrible turn everything had taken. But still, we remained positive. In my heart, I knew Christine would be okay. A few days later, the pnemonia turned into a blood infection which attacked her organs one by one. Christine was having less brain activity and being less responsive to voices and being touched. Still, my hope remained strong and I never gave up on her.
On Friday of July 14th, 2006, I went to the mall with Gill and Meghan. We were in Claires standing in line to buy sunglasses and my phone rang. It was Kristen. When I first wrote this post I thought it was Nick but Kristen assured me she was the one who had called me. I try not to think about this day much, which is probably why my memory is distorted. I answered and she told me Christine had been taken off of life support a few minutes ago. I told Gill the news, hung up with Kristen, paid for my sunglasses and walked out of Concord Mall without a tear in my eye. I looked at everyone who I passed while walking out of that mall and wished I could've been any one of them. I couldn't talk, drive, cry or really even move at all once we got to my car. Gill drove my car Kristen said, but once again, I thought I did. (My whole memory of this day is so distorted. I don't even think its because it's been almost two years this summer. I think its because I'm so scared to think about that day. It hurts way too much.) I walked inside and completely collapsed on my couch. My best friend who had been there for me during the death of Liam 7 months ago, was now gone as well. I felt so much emotion all at once and never thought I would ever be okay. All of my hope and belief in her making it out of this had all been washed down the drain.
In two months it will mark two years since the day she got into her car accident. I can say I am a changed person, in good and bad ways. I never thought I would be okay, but I am. I know that Christine put up the biggest fight she could. I treasure every moment I ever spent with her and always will. I'm lucky to have been so close with her and I am thankful for so many things. But, I can't say that I'm 100% okay. I miss her more than anything, and I think about it every single day. I just want to be laughing with her walking down South Street again or to be on Jr.Staff with her right now. It's really hard losing a best friend. Teenagers focus their whole lives around their friends (usually more than family) so losing Christine was like losing a part of my life that I will never be able to get back.
Around eleven, my boss told me to take a break and get something to eat because Keyshia told her I was struggling with getting through the day, and I was working open to close (twelve hours). I went to the closet to get out my purse and took my phone out to call my Mom to talk to her about how weird I had been feeling all day. At the same time, Keyshia was ringing me up for a blush pasta. When I lit up my phone, I saw 23 missed calls and six voicemails. My heart dropped. I immediately ran out of the store and began crying. I knew something terrible had happened. I knew it before I had even checked my phone.
First I checked my voicemail because I wasn't sure who to call back. More than ten different people had called me. The first one was Brittany. At first all I heard were here sobs and then I heard the words that I will never forget.
"Kels, you gotta call me. I don't want to be the one to tell you this but you need to know right now. Kels, call me back. It's Christine." then she started crying and hung up the phone.
My knees fell weak and I collapsed outside of Saladworks. Keyshia had followed me outside and tried making out what I was saying through my tears. She and Meghan walked me to the back of Saladworks while I called Brittany back. She was still crying although the voicemail she left was from an hour before. She answered without saying anything and I yelled out of fear, "What happened Brit, what happened to Christine?!" She kept crying and said, "She got in a car accident this morning. She's not doing good, Kels. They had to fly her in a helicopter to UPenn. Everyones at the hospital but they aren't letting anyone see her. She's getting brain surgery, Kels."
I dropped my phone and can't really remember what happened around that time. I know Meghan was holding me and crying with me and that my old mean boss Cal brought me water and tissues. They asked who they should call to come pick me up because I was in no condition to drive but then I saw Brittany running from the parking lot. I could barely walk. My mind was flooded with horrible sights and intense fear. At one point, I thought I was dreaming. I thought, this is all a dream. This would never happen to Christine. Once I got in Brittany's car and we looked at each other, both not knowing what to say, I completely fell apart. That's when I knew it was real. Such raw emotion and all of this fear could not be a dream. I was living a nightmare.
I called Rusty because he had left me three voicemails. He was already at the hospital with Nick and Jon and they were just sitting in the waiting room. Rusty assured me that everything would be okay. He kept telling me that everything will be fine, just to stay calm and positive. She would make it.
Brittany took me back to my house and Kristen's friend Meredith was waiting there to give me a ride to the hospital. Kristen was in North Carolina when I called her with the news so she called a friend to drive me to UPenn. Then I got another call. This time it was Nick. He told me they were making all visitors leave now so there was no point in me driving up now. Her brain was swelling and she needed a second skull surgery to release some of the pressure.
The rest is pretty foggy still. I know I sat at my house with some of my closest friends and just cried. Rachel Dolgin drove down that night and we all just sat around, waiting. I didn't know it yet, but waiting would be what I would be doing for the next twenty-three days. Waiting for news, answers, improvement and most especially, waiting to see Christine.
I visited her two days after the accident and did not recognize my best friend at all. Her face was extremely swollen, so much that her cheeks came up to her nose. Christine's hair was all shaved off and there were lines of staples in her head from her brain surgeries. Although it looked nothing like her, while I stayed next to her hospital bed I could feel her there too.
Christine was in a coma for twenty-three days after the accident. At first, it was medically induced because she would've been in too much pain after her brain surgery. The Saturday after her accident (on a Tuesday), she had a stroke. Her stroke reduced her brain activity, but the doctors were still hopeful that she would come out of the coma with minor brain damage.
About a week passed, things stayed stable. I had been visiting periodically, whenever her parents and the doctors said we could come. Saladworks gave me two weeks off right off the bat and were very understanding so I spent as much time as possible at the hospital.
One time I went with Lara. I think Dan may have come with us or met us there but a lot of those twenty-three days are beginning to get fuzzy. The important thing is, every single minute I spent with Christine in that hospital room, I will never forget. I sat next to her bed and held her hand. A young nurse came in and introduced herself. She was just changing some of Christine's tubes and checking her stats. I kept rubbing Christine's hands, noticing the dried bloods underneath of her finger nails. It literally was one of the hardest moments of my life right then. The nurse started talking to Christine while changing her tubes. She was telling her what she was doing. I looked at the nurse confused and asked, can she hear you? She smiled at me and said, "Yes, honey, she can hear you. I assure you."
So then I started talking to Christine. I told her what we had all been doing in the past few weeks, how strong she is and how proud I was of her for putting up such a fight. Her hand flinched a little and I jumped. I told the nurse she had moved. The nurse looked at her blood pressure and said, I know she can hear you. Her blood pressure is going down because hearing your voice relaxes her. That's how you know if someone in a coma can hear you. So then I started telling Christine things I would want to know. I told her what day it was, the time, the colors of her hospital room, how Skippy her cat has been looking for her these past few weeks. As I kept talking, her blood pressure continued lowering and I knew she could hear me. Lara came in the room and started talking to her too. After the nurse left, we sang James Taylor's You've Got A Friend while holding each of her hands. Christine loved James Taylor. I couldn't get through the song without tears flowing from my eyes. I didn't want Christine to know I was crying so I let go of her hand and walked to the corner of the room. The nurse came back in and saw me in the corner crying. She promised me that everything was going to be okay and Christine was getting better. I looked her in the eyes and saw hers were swelled up with tears as well.
About a week later, we got the news that Christine had developed pnemonia. This worried the doctors a lot and the started using terms such as "quality of life" and "life support". I couldn't believe what a horrible turn everything had taken. But still, we remained positive. In my heart, I knew Christine would be okay. A few days later, the pnemonia turned into a blood infection which attacked her organs one by one. Christine was having less brain activity and being less responsive to voices and being touched. Still, my hope remained strong and I never gave up on her.
On Friday of July 14th, 2006, I went to the mall with Gill and Meghan. We were in Claires standing in line to buy sunglasses and my phone rang. It was Kristen. When I first wrote this post I thought it was Nick but Kristen assured me she was the one who had called me. I try not to think about this day much, which is probably why my memory is distorted. I answered and she told me Christine had been taken off of life support a few minutes ago. I told Gill the news, hung up with Kristen, paid for my sunglasses and walked out of Concord Mall without a tear in my eye. I looked at everyone who I passed while walking out of that mall and wished I could've been any one of them. I couldn't talk, drive, cry or really even move at all once we got to my car. Gill drove my car Kristen said, but once again, I thought I did. (My whole memory of this day is so distorted. I don't even think its because it's been almost two years this summer. I think its because I'm so scared to think about that day. It hurts way too much.) I walked inside and completely collapsed on my couch. My best friend who had been there for me during the death of Liam 7 months ago, was now gone as well. I felt so much emotion all at once and never thought I would ever be okay. All of my hope and belief in her making it out of this had all been washed down the drain.
In two months it will mark two years since the day she got into her car accident. I can say I am a changed person, in good and bad ways. I never thought I would be okay, but I am. I know that Christine put up the biggest fight she could. I treasure every moment I ever spent with her and always will. I'm lucky to have been so close with her and I am thankful for so many things. But, I can't say that I'm 100% okay. I miss her more than anything, and I think about it every single day. I just want to be laughing with her walking down South Street again or to be on Jr.Staff with her right now. It's really hard losing a best friend. Teenagers focus their whole lives around their friends (usually more than family) so losing Christine was like losing a part of my life that I will never be able to get back.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Inspired By Kristen's Post
I never really write about Christine anymore. And if I do, Liam is usually involved. Kristen's post about Christine inspired me to write about her.
I think I need to write about the day that changed my life. It would probably help a little. But I don't feel like I'm strong enough to do that right now. I couldn't tell if I just didn't feel like typing. I'm definitely just not strong enough to write about it yet. I still have nightmares about that day.
I think I need to write about the day that changed my life. It would probably help a little. But I don't feel like I'm strong enough to do that right now. I couldn't tell if I just didn't feel like typing. I'm definitely just not strong enough to write about it yet. I still have nightmares about that day.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Sunny Days
It was such a BEAUTIFUL day out today-
I went on a long drive with Melissa, Kristin and Emily this morning. It was such a cliche "summer" day outside today. Everyone was laying on a blanket in the grass, playing frisbee or driving with their windows down and sunglasses on. All the boys had their shirts off and the girls were all wearing tanks and flip flops. It was a pretty corny sight but I can't say I didn't enjoy the sunny day. We went to a park and went on the swings until our hips hurt then I walked into town with Emily and Kristin.
I needed good weather. I hope it stays really nice because it makes me really happy.
I went on a long drive with Melissa, Kristin and Emily this morning. It was such a cliche "summer" day outside today. Everyone was laying on a blanket in the grass, playing frisbee or driving with their windows down and sunglasses on. All the boys had their shirts off and the girls were all wearing tanks and flip flops. It was a pretty corny sight but I can't say I didn't enjoy the sunny day. We went to a park and went on the swings until our hips hurt then I walked into town with Emily and Kristin.
I needed good weather. I hope it stays really nice because it makes me really happy.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
An e-mail I got today
John McCain is so wrong on Iraq, he can't even get the basic facts about the situation on the ground correct.
Today, as he was questioning Gen. David Petraeus, he again confused the difference between Shiite and Sunni Muslims.
At least five times as a candidate John McCain has stated that Iran (a Shiite nation) is supporting Al-Qaeda (a Sunni group) in Iraq. This is not some minor mistake, but a significant gaffe. He clearly does not understand the sensitive political dynamics in that region of the world.
What's worse is that he's done it at important times when you'd expect him to be at his best -- he did it today in the Senate while questioning the commander of American forces in Iraq, and he did it on a recent trip to the Middle East.
If John McCain can't remember such a simple fact at crucial times, how will he be able to do it as President?
We have to stop John McCain from taking control of the White House, and stop him from taking over George Bush's war in Iraq. Can you write a letter to the editor of your local paper letting voters in your area know just how confused John McCain is?
http://www.democrats.org/gaffes
Once is misspeaking -- five times is a dangerous lack of understanding. John McCain so badly misunderstands Iraq that he's content to stay there for 100 years, something he's said multiple times. He has also failed to explain how he would pay for a war that is now costing you and me $12 billion each month -- money we could be using to help our economy here at home.
John McCain wants us to believe that his decades of foreign policy experience make him the natural choice to lead our nation at war with terrorists.
We just can't afford someone who just doesn't understand Iraq -- it's too dangerous.
Thanks for your support.
Howard Dean
Today, as he was questioning Gen. David Petraeus, he again confused the difference between Shiite and Sunni Muslims.
At least five times as a candidate John McCain has stated that Iran (a Shiite nation) is supporting Al-Qaeda (a Sunni group) in Iraq. This is not some minor mistake, but a significant gaffe. He clearly does not understand the sensitive political dynamics in that region of the world.
What's worse is that he's done it at important times when you'd expect him to be at his best -- he did it today in the Senate while questioning the commander of American forces in Iraq, and he did it on a recent trip to the Middle East.
If John McCain can't remember such a simple fact at crucial times, how will he be able to do it as President?
We have to stop John McCain from taking control of the White House, and stop him from taking over George Bush's war in Iraq. Can you write a letter to the editor of your local paper letting voters in your area know just how confused John McCain is?
http://www.democrats.org/gaffes
Once is misspeaking -- five times is a dangerous lack of understanding. John McCain so badly misunderstands Iraq that he's content to stay there for 100 years, something he's said multiple times. He has also failed to explain how he would pay for a war that is now costing you and me $12 billion each month -- money we could be using to help our economy here at home.
John McCain wants us to believe that his decades of foreign policy experience make him the natural choice to lead our nation at war with terrorists.
We just can't afford someone who just doesn't understand Iraq -- it's too dangerous.
Thanks for your support.
Howard Dean
Monday, April 7, 2008
To The Dreamers
"All accomplishments stem from dreams courageous people convert into reality." _Dr. David J Schwartz
Sunday, April 6, 2008
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