Superman Visits In My Dreams

I just woke up because I went to bed around 5. I feel like I need to write this down before I forget it completely. This morning while I was sleeping, I had a dream about Liam. It wasn't the ordinary type of dream about Liam thats usually extremely emotional or really sad. In this dream we were on a huge boat, basically a cruise ship. It was a celebration of something but I don't know if I ever figured out what we were celebrating. The one thing that was not out of the ordinary in my dream was that I knew that Liam was going to die. It wasn't that I knew he had cancer and suspected it, but I was aware of what happened in November of 2005.

There wasn't much content to the dream. Nothing really happened. I just kept seeing Liam on this crowded ship and running up to him to give him a hug. I can still feel his tiny hands lightly pressing my back. He was laughing and smiling throughout my whole dream. I remember walking a lot with him on the ship, staring at him to take in every little detail and kissing the top of his bald, shiny head. I must've somehow knew that I was dreaming and that I would wake up soon because I asked Liam for one last big hug as if I were leaving the ship. I bent down on one knee and he basically ran into my arms, this time putting all of his weight onto my chest. I remember feeling that, thinking of how him running into my chest kind of hurt a little, but it was the best feeling in the world because it was Liam. I can still feel it. Then after our long hug, he said, "That was the best hug I've ever had!" And then I woke up from my alarm, stretched, and walked out on the balcony because it is a beautiful day. I sat there for a few minutes, trying to figure out why I felt so weird. And then I remembered the dream as if it had happened the night before. It was so vivid and clear still in my mind. I don't know how to say this but anyone whose ever lost someone they loved knows the feeling without me having to describe it. And if you haven't ever lost anyone you love, its not worth me trying to explain this feeling because there aren't words for this emotion. Its missing someone so much that you wonder sometimes how you still function.

I miss you Liam. Thanks for visiting in my dreams.

Seventeen and Stupid

Last night my best friend from high school (and still one of my best friends) asked me if I ever think about what happened last July. I never talk about it and only four people know it ever happened. Those four people have never brought it up and to be honest, after it happened, I never once brought it up either. But to answer her question, I do think about a lot still. I think about how different my life would be if that had never happened that day, how many people would look at me differently, and how such a hard thing to go through, turned out to be such a blessing in the long run.

Betrayal

Tonight I had some of the rudest things said to me ever. I have never felt so unappreciated and betrayed. I was stunned by what the person was saying that I couldn't even speak. I was just so baffled at their stupidity and immaturity that I couldn't even come up with words to say. So I didn't speak. And then he called me,

"A rich white girl from Delaware who hasn't been through shit."

And I LOST IT.

I have never felt so angry, hurt, upset or ready to speak my mind. I am NOT AT ALL rich. I have a Mom who works 18 hours days weekly to put her two daughters into college. Oh, and I definitely would not classify myself who hasn't been through shit. Because I'm white, I live a perfect life free of any stress. NO, that's ridiculous. I just wished I could've shown him those days of my past that still haunt me every day. I wish he could've walked in my Mom's shoes for a day and seen how much she struggles to support herself, my sister and I.

I've never had a friend do this to me before. I've had friends who did things that made me mad or lost friends over stupid things but I've never, ever had someone been so backstabbing and insane. So hurtful and careless about what they were saying.