Old Traditions (and new!) I Never Want To Forget

Christmas eve was always a magical night for me when I was younger. On the ride home from church every year I would swear I saw Santa's sled in the sky. Then when we got out, I would tell Dad to listen really hard to hear the jingling bells on the sleigh. He would turn one ear to the sky, get a inquisitive look on his face then look down at me with a smile on his face and say, "I hear it." Christmas eve was always more exciting for me than Christmas day.

One year on Christmas eve when I was no older than four or five, Dad went up in the bathroom while Kristen and I helped Mom with the cookies in the kitchen. Really, we were just licking the extra dough off of the spoons she used and making a mess with sprinkles and icing. Anyway, this year, Dad yelled from the upstairs bathroom, "Kristen and Kelsey...come here! I have a surprise for you!" So, as any four and six year olds would do, we darted out of the kitchen, raced up the stairs and jumped into the bathroom in front of Dad, just to see something we never expected. Dad had shaved off all of his facial hair, including the red mustache he had all of the years we had been alive. I looked in the sink and saw a pile of wirey hairs, then looked at Dad's face, no longer recognizing the once hairy man who was now only skin. Kristen and I, both shocked and scared of this man who looked nothing like our Dad, screamed and ran down the stairs faster than we had run up them. At this point we were crying and hiding behind Mom's legs, saying how scared we were of Dad. Mom had no idea what he had done until he walked downstairs with his head hung low, disappointed by our reaction. She took a quick glance at him and let out a loud "HA!" and said, "Girls, he shaved his face!" Dad sweet talked us until we came out from behind her and he picked me up. I touched his soft cheek, moved my fingers down to his chin then to his upper lip. I had never even realized that under all of that hair he had skin! I smiled with amazement at the smooth face I was looking at.

After that night, it became a tradition for Dad to shave his facial hair every Christmas eve. Every year Kristen and I would wait around downstairs until he finished shaving then act suprised when he came down, bare as a baby's bottom. We would climb in his lap and feel the soft face we had waited for all year.

Ever since we were little, on Christmas eve Kristen and I would get to pick one present under the tree to open. Mom learned the hard way that letting us pick which one we wanted to open was a bad idea. One year Kristen got a pair of socks while I got a really pretty bracelet. I bragged out of excitement about how beautiful my bracelet was while Kristen solemnly stretched out the socks that had kittens wearing Santa hats on them. After that, Mom began to pick the presents so they were of equal value. One year we got pajamas. Mine were silk and had yellow rubber duckies on them. The silk made my legs itch for some reason, but I wore the pajamas all night and Christmas morning anyway.

Another Christmas eve tradition which was started in more recent years, is that Mom, Kristen and I go to Romeos. One year after the church service we were extremely hungry and knew the only place open at 8:00 on Christmas eve would be Romeos. So we went there, ate our italian food and laughed at how empty all of Branmar Plaza was, while we three crazy girls were happily eating our fast food.

This year, though, has not been the traditional Christmas eve. We went to Romeo's at 5:45 just to learn that they closed in fifteen minutes. And so, for the first year in five, we got the food to go and ate it at home. Also, Kristen and I didn't go to the Christmas eve service with Mom. Her and James went while we went to Meghan's house for their Christmas party. Then, when we came home, Mom and James were baking cookies in the kitchen. I helped out a little, but the kitchen is barely made for two. And so, Kristen and I sat back and played Brain Age and Jetman like the dorks we are. James made cookies that were made from sour cream. They had just finished baking all of their special pistachio, walnuts and sour cream cookies when I realized that's not what we usually make for Christmas. So I demanded we make the original peanut butter cookies with the criss-cross markings in the center. I guess you could say I'm traditional. Honestly, though, I think I'm just scared of losing the feeling I got on Christmas eve when I was younger. I never want that magical feeling to go away. And now, as I'm writing this, I'm realizing that it won't. Old traditions may go, like Dad shaving his beard, and new traditions may come, like a change up in cookies, but that Christmas eve feeling that can't be felt on any other night but December 24th, it will never, ever go away. And plus, I think its good to make new traditions. It creates more memories, and to me, memories are the best Christmas gift I could ever receive.


This is just one of the millions of pictures Kristen and I took on photo booth tonight. I picked this one because we only had a few with Mom. We will always be the three crazy girls with the only car in the parking lot at the italian restaurant on Christmas eve. :)

December Is My Favorite Month

Although there is never a good time for bad news, I feel that it is best to find out around Christmas time. I'm listening to Christmas songs, with only one lamp on in the room, sipping on hot chocolate and bundled up in warm clothes. I can't be sad about anything right now because nothing beats a relaxing December night.

I'm excited to decorate our tree, decorate the apartment and be with my family. My emotions are very high right now. I caught a glimpse of a commercial earlier and it was family reuniting at Christmas. It made me start cry. Nick texted me telling me to smile and I read it right before starting my Spanish final. It made a few tears go down my cheek as well and normally I would just smile and be thankful for great friends. But now, everything makes me so emotional. Happy things, sad things, everything.

I'm cleaning out my room right now and defrosting my fridge because I'm done my finals and going home soon!

Smile

Today has been awful. On top of the bad things that happened this morning, my back is hurting more than ever. My doctor's office closed early today so I don't get my prescription for pain killers until tomorrow.

BUT...I've realized after giving myself about an hour to feel sorry for myself, that there are many many people that are going through much worse things than me. And that this time in my life is just a little speed bump. I know everything will be okay. The most important thing is to keep smiling. :)

Clarification

For One More Day (the movie) was AWFUL and very disappointing. It was mostly because the actor who played Charlie was terrible and does not even deserve to be acting in a movie presented by Oprah.

Anyway, I need to start studying for finals.

For One More Day

This is one of my favorite post cards off of post secret. I just found it again and realized I have been taking a lot of days for granted lately.

Tonight the movie For One More Day is coming on. It was a book by Mitch Albom who is my favorite author by far. I loved the book and cried the whole way through it. I remember sitting in one of my 500 study halls senior year reading that book and trying to hide my face because I couldn't stop the tears. If you've never read it and don't want me to spoil it then skip the rest of this paragraph. Its a pretty complicated book but basically, the main character loses his Mom and in return becomes an alcoholic and loses his wife and kids. He gets trashed one night and decides to drive to his home town because he misses his mother. On the way he crashes his car while trying to get off of the exit to his home town. Somehow he walks away without a mark while his car is just a pile of metal. He walks the rest of the way to his house and then sees his mother in the baseball field where he used to play. At this point, I realized he must have been dreaming. He is given one last day to spend with his mother. At the end of the book you find out that he was actually unconscious and still trapped in his car...and that somewhere between life and death he was given the gift of a day with his mom. There are many other twists and turns and it is a great read.

I love this time of year. Christmas and snow just make me so happy. It makes me miss Christine and Liam a lot, though. I think everyone misses someone around the holidays. Another thing is that this will be the first Christmas I spend without a certain someone since EIGHTH GRADE. Its hard to believe and makes me feel really lonely but not because I miss him. I will just miss having someone to love during such a beautiful time of the year. I will miss walking around Media in the snow and dinner dates at Brodeur's or Iron Hill. BUT it's okay, because I will get to see my best friends when I go home and Sammy said she is visiting a lot over break so I know I'll but just fine. :)

S'mores

Last night was crazy. I'm not gonna get into it but I had so much fun with the girls. I'm finally starting to feel like I'm making some best friends at college. That picture is us at Cosi last night....me, sammy, alissa, jess s. and jess f. went.

Tonight I'm going to a holiday party at the hockey house with some of the girls. Then finals start on Tuesday..end Wednesday and I'm going home Friday cause I want to chill here a few more nights.

I'm excited for Christmas. And to meet my Mom's boyfriend.

Robbery

This was the first picture taken of us. It was about four years ago. I wish that I wasn't smiling and that I hated you from the start.

You ruined me and I'll never forgive you. You will always be a part of me, and not because I want you to but because every time I see a stupid white Chevy Blazer or hear your name, I will cringe and be reminded of how much I despise you. You are nothing more to me than the nausea in my stomach when your name is brought up.

Welcome To The Good Life

Right now I'm really happy to be home. I never thought I would say that but I'm realizing how good I had it before I left for college. I can just walk into the kitchen and grab anything I want to eat without having to worry about how much food I should save to last me through the next few weeks. Also, I never took advantage of baths because I thought they were gross but I just took a bath since I don't have that option at school and it was the best thing in the world! If I have to go to the bathroom I don't have to worry about putting shoes on because I have my own. There are a million other things...I feel like I'm living in luxury right now. But I know by Sunday I'll be ready to go back.

So far on break I have seen Meghan, Steve, Nick, Lara and Amanda out of all of my friends. Tomorrow a bunch of us are going to the Lucianos for lunch so I'll get to see Gill, Danny, Frankie, Doug and some other people I haven't seen yet. Then tomorrow night I think a 6 month highschool reunion? haha

I got in a minor fight with my Dad at Thanksgiving. It still makes me upset that he is the way he is and I cannot do anything about it.

Goodnight.

P.S. Lots of good pics coming up as soon as I get back to school

A Foreshadowing Event

I will never forget the countless evenings my sister and I spent on the front step of our old house on Knowles Road. We would sit out there, usually with our hands over our ears, because Mom and Dad were fighting, again. One of us would begin to cry and the other would join in with the tears instead of focusing on what our parents were fighting about. There was this one time, though, that we refused to go out on that cement step. It was the first time I really understood what it was to regret. After experiencing one of their arguments for the first time, I never thought twice about sitting with my hands cupped over my tiny ears on that rough, cement stoop.

Our washing machine had broken and Mom called someone to come over and fix it. After she hung up the phone, Dad expressed his anger about something I cannot remember. Mom quickly walked up to him until she was only a foot away from his face and began yelling. Her nose turned bright red, as it does when she is very upset and angry, and she let out her rage. The fight had begun and it was my sister and my cue to go outside. Instead, we sat side-by-side on the bottom step of our staircase, only one room away from the quarrel. I didn't cover my ears or even cry, but took in all of the raw words slowly eating away at my sanity.

Twenty minutes later, the argument had escaleded and I could hear Mom's sobs through her words. Also, they had each come around the corner of the kitchen atleast 10 times and quickly asked Kristen and I to go to our rooms or outside. Without saying, "no" or moving a single muscle, my sister and I would sit silently, still staring at the wood floor. Before long, there was a hard knock on the front door. The knock forced my first movement since I sat down on the uncomfortable step. Mom, with more than just a red nose but also red puffy eyes, let the mechanic inside. He seemed disturbed by what he saw. My Dad was standing in the kitchen with clenched fists, my sister and I were still sitting on the steps with blank faces and my Mom was slowly walking him to the laundry room. He got to work without a question asked or word spoken.

To my disbelief, they continued to argue in the kitchen. Mom had thrown something, which I assumed was a book of some sort, and Dad continued raising his deep voice. I looked down at my feet and noticed that my legs were shaking. I had not shown the slightest bit of emotion, but it was apparent that I was filled to the brim with fear. Mom ran out of the kitchen and parted Kristen and I as she quickly ran up to her bedroom. I was scared to go into her room but moved a few more steps up the staircase so I could try and make out some of her mumbling. Kristen then stood up, reminding me she was even sitting next to me, and walked into Mom's room. I followed behind her and saw my Mom stuffing clothes into a large, leather suitcase. She looked at us with sad eyes and asked us to go into our rooms for what seemed to be the eightieth time that night. When we refused she angrily said, "Go to your room, girls." And so we listened.

We sat on our beds, listening to them still yelling although they were now on different floors. The arguing died down, the mechanic had left, and I thought that the fight was over. I wished that when I opened my bedroom door I would see my parents hugging in the hallway, apologizing to each other. I wanted to hear my Dad tell my Mom he loved her and help her unpack the suitcase she had frantically packed. I slowly opened my door, the only sound being the creak of dry hinges. I saw Mom dragging the huge suitcase down the stairs. I leaped at her and tugged on her arm saying, "Mom, where are you going? You can't leave!" She opened her tear-filled eyes, looked down at me and said, "I have to."

I felt a warm stream go over my cheekbone, into the crevice of my nose, over my quivering lips and down off my chin. Finally, I had shown a glimpse of what I was feeling on the inside. I begged her not to go, all the way out to the cement step. She quickly got in her car and I stood on the front step until I saw the lights of her car turn right at the stop sign and knew she was really gone. I sat down on the cement step, which was now where I knew I had belonged that night.

Superman

So today is the day I dread all year. November 19th is Liam's day and it is impossible to not have an aching heart. I know I've said this before, but it really does hurt. When I miss Liam (or Christine) my heart literally aches. It's such a strange thing.

I was trying to think of a way to make this post uplifting, and not sad. If I just rambled it would be very depressing, but today should be a celebration of Liam. One of the most powerful things that Liam still does is bring people together. At his services, people from all over the country came together. At the balloon release, Liam's family from California came, his teachers and classmates, his best friends, his entire extended family, people from church and co-workers of his parents...everyone came together and leaned on one another. The way he brings us together goes even deeper.

Liam brought me closer to my Dad. Ever since my parents divorced when I was in 6th grade, my Dad and I have grown apart. And I never anticipated it happening. I tried so hard to see my Dad and stay close with him. But then he became an out-of-control alcoholic and I couldn't go over to his house anymore. He would yell at me and drive me around drunk and I decided in highschool to stop going to his house. We hadn't really gotten closer after that. I felt like my Dad didn't know me anymore and that I had grown up without him. My Dad knew that November 19th was the day that Liam died and that it would be a hard day. He wrote me an e-mail expressing his concern and telling me he wanted to cook me my favorite food for dinner, salmon. In his e-mail he said "KELS, I WILL BE CHECKING IN A LITTLE MORE THAN USUAL THE NEXT TWO WEEKS IF YOU DO NOT MIND. I KNOW YOU WILL BE SUPER BUSY AND DO NOT WORRY ABOUT REPLYING. JUST TO SEND YOU A FEW NOTES FOR YOU TO READ IN YOUR LITTLE BIT OF SPARE TIME. HANG IN THERE AND BE TOUGH JUST LIKE LIAM WAS(AND IS)." He always write in CAPS.

My Dad and I have been talking a lot more and I'm starting to forgive him for things that he's done to me. And it's all because of Liam. He has saved my relationship with my Dad and I am thankful to have my Dad back in my life more than he has been the past 7 years.

Liam doesn't know how much of a teacher he was to us all. That's what makes him even more amazing. I miss Liam more than anything right now. I miss making him smile and laugh because he deserved to be the happiest boy on the planet. Liam was such a strong boy for 5 years old.

I'll never forget what Alli, his little sister, said when she was in Liam's garden. She said, "If you look really hard up into the sky, you can see his angel wings." It brings tears to my eyes that a four year old girl could think that. She is right, somedays I stare up at the sky and think of Liam. And all of a sudden I feel him next to me. He is still here, we just can't see him, only feel him.

Dear Liam,
I miss you so much, little buddy. I'm sorry I didn't send you balloons today. I just wasn't up for it, but I promise you will be getting a nice letter and some orange balloons soon! Thank you for being my daily inspiration. I don't know what I would do without you, still. Even though you're in Heaven now, I know I still can draw from your strength and get through anything. You're always by our sides.
I love you, Superman.

November 13th

Exactly two years ago today was the last time I saw Liam. It was right around this time too because I had just gotten out of church. At this point, Liam had very dark circles under his eyes. He had gone blind in one of his eyes 4 months before and he could barely open the other one because it was so swollen. When I came over Liam was crying on the couch because he was in so much pain. I sat on the floor next to the couch and wished so badly that I could take the pain away from him. I prayed that his cancer could be transferred to my body and he would be healed. I lightly touched his back and he screamed. His whole body was hurting tremendously. Mrs. Kane wanted to take him out back because it was a beautiful day. Mr. Kane carried Liam out back and Liam had stopped crying. Mrs. Kane brought out Christmas music because they had celebrated Christmas early since they knew Liam would not make it to December 25th. Liam loved Christmas music too. Liam and Mrs. Kane layed down on the outside swing and I went upstairs to find Lamby and Moosey (Liam's stuffed lamb and moose). I found them and brought them down anxiously awaiting to see Liam smile. I gave them to him and Mrs. Kane told him that they were Lamby and Moosey. And Liam cried. It broke my heart in half. I wanted to make him smile and happy more than anything in the world. It was the only thing on my mind and my only goal in life at the time. I wanted to free Liam of the awful pain he felt, how his head felt like "its going to crack" - his words. But it was impossible.

Somehow I knew that was the last time I was going to see Liam. I knew subconsciously. Before I left I looked back at him atleast twenty times, back on the couch. I was waiting for my Mom to pick me back up from their house. Then I saw her car pull up and I got a knot in my stomach because I didn't want to stop looking at Liam. So I said goodbye and walked out of the door. Mrs. Kane was in the garage and I talked to her for a few minutes before I left. Slowly, Liam walked to the door. Mrs. Kane went to the door and picked him up to bring him outside. She was so happy that he had walked to the door. He wanted to be around people, Liam hated being alone. And so my Mom got out of the car once she saw Liam and came down the driveway. After we left, we were pulling away and the windows were down because I was saying goodbye to Mrs. Kane. Liam, now standing on their front step, said as loud as his weak body would let him, "Kelsey, I love you". And my Mom stopped the car as I shouted, "I love you too, Liam!" She pulled away quickly because I could no longer hold in my tears. The last words Liam ever said to me were Kelsey I love you. And I am so grateful to still have this memory. It makes me depressed but at the same time, very lucky.

I would do anything to hear him say those words again.

My First Post

Mrs. Kane sent out pictures of Alli the other day. She is growing up so fast. This past October she turned 5. It's hard for me to believe that she is now how old Liam was when he passed away. She is becoming more and more beautiful everytime I see her, and more and more like Liam. I'm sure I'll have a post in the next week or so that is dedicated to Liam because it will be two years on November 19th. He's been on my mind more than usual lately, and it's been hard to focus on life. I'm learning how to keep my life in line during hard times. I think its really important to find a way to do that.

Anyway, school is getting harder. I got a bad grade on my last psychology test when I thought I did really well. I'm waiting to find out about my sociology test from Thursday, but I have a feeling it won't be very good either.

I discovered this new artist tonight. She is unsigned and not very well heard of, but I'm sure that soon she will be on the charts. Her name is Debra Arlyn. If anyone wants to check her out, my favorite songs are "Let It Go", "Fine" and "Why Can't We Start Over?". She's great.

I'm going to bed early tonight. I hurt my head pretty bad last night and I have had the worst head ache all day. My forehead is swollen where I hit it too. But its a really good story..if you would like to hear it, I will be glad to tell. :)